'Teen Wolf' Memories ...

It's been nearly 30 years since the movie was in theaters, but Michael J. Fox still has some explaining to do about 'Teen Wolf.'

Last week, readers were treated to a guest offering from the Couch Potato’s buddy, Z-Bird.

This week, the laziness and guest blogging continues, this time with the famous Orty-Contorty spinning a yarn. The nicknames and laughs never end in this space.

So, without further ado ...

•••••

In my last seven years as a teacher, I have concluded that there is only one real part of my day that I cherish — LUNCH. The faculty lunch room is the one place of solitude in a school where adults can speak freely and with a large amount of immaturity without being reprimanded or judged. 

My cohorts and I usually begin the first three minutes of lunch by making fun of what everyone is eating and reflecting on how cool we used to be before we were married and had children. The remaining 27 minutes of lunch proceed with a constant badgering and humiliation of one another to the point where we simply give up all reason and logic of reality. 

And this continues for 180 school days.

But, on those special days when the stars align and the angels sing our praises from the heavens, we bring up a once-in-a-lifetime theatrical masterpiece called "Teen Wolf." No, I am not talking about the crappy piece of trash TV show that 21st century adolescents swoon over. I’m talking about the 1985 Michael J. Fox version, which makes us all wish we were surfing the rooftop of a van and hanging with a guy named Styyyyyles. 

We usually begin the "Teen Wolf" conversation by quoting our favorite lines and talking about how terrible the basketball team was. Then, it happens. A moment of silence. Followed by a short breath and a question that appears from thin air and sparks a vulgar argument that takes complete control of the room — thus bringing me to the second half of this article titled:

HOW IN THE HECK WAS A WEREWOLF ALLOWED ON A SCHOOL CAMPUS?

The next several minutes will include similar questions that I will leave you, the reader, to ponder. But I warn you, these questions usually end in much bafflement and some verbal accusations that you just can’t take back. 

Here we go:

•Why is the wolf allowed to “wolfout” during the basketball game without a substitution change from the scorer’s table?

•What kind of defense would the other team play against a teen who just turned into a wolf in the middle of the game? Do you lock on the wolf? Who do you assign for that job? I, for one, would quit the team at that moment and spare myself the embarrassment if asked to guard a werewolf. The humiliation of being beaten one on one by a dog. Come on!

•How does the ref allow play to continue after a human being has transformed into a WEREWOLF? At the very least Michael J. Fox should have been attended to by a trainer.

•How are the fans, the coach, the other team and everyone else in the gym “OK” with a once teen, now werewolf, taking over a basketball game and clearly being a ball hog.

•Who would have thought that wolves were good at basketball to begin with? Are wolves good at football and soccer, too? Or are they just masters of the court?

•Why does Michael J. Fox receive C’s in class before and then A’s after he becomes a wolf? Are wolves smarter than humans? Does the teacher have a wolf fetish? 

•Why are the students OK with a wolf walking around the school in the first place? Is no one afraid of the wolf going bananas if someone starts eating a ham sandwich or throwing a tennis ball down the hallway? Moreover, what did the wolf pack for lunch on a school day? 

•Why does the wolf get the lead in the school play but Michael J. Fox was not good enough? Are wolves more dramatic than humans?

Side Note: 

I’m not going mention how the girls in the school become attracted to a wolf. 

•Weird

•Not acceptable for this newspaper

•Did everyone forget that the wolf wears jeans in this movie? I’m no animal expert, but I am pretty sure wolves have tails. What pair of Levis can I buy that make room for a tail?

•Why are the other players on the court allowed to eat food during the game? 

•Why does the wolf get to drink beer, in plain site, at the pizzeria? Are wolves exempt from the underage drinking laws of the state? That actually makes some sense, because in human years, that would make him 126 years old or something.

•At the end of the movie, why is the antagonist allowed to stand out of bounds, on the end line, intimidating Michael J. Fox, while he shoots his foul shots? The refs in this movie stink!

The questions go on and on, but overall, this movie is fantastic and I cannot think of a better conversation to have among friends. 

Or we are all losers and need to re-evaluate our lives?

(Questions, comments, ideas? Email at: thecouchpotato@outlook.com)

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