The Couch Potato

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Couch Potato: A blow-by-blow recap of ‘The Bachelor’ finale

Welcome everyone to the Couch Potato’s third (and probably last, mainly because I think I’m running out of jokes and sarcastic comments to make) Live “Bachelor” Finale Blog.

Monday’s final episode came down to Whitney and Becca, as the two women vied for Bachelor Chris Soules’ heart.

It was a wild ride everyone, so buckle up for two hours of sweeping helicopter shots, thoughtful gazes and hopefully, true love*.

(*Disclaimer — True love is subject to various definitions and cannot be guaranteed due to the fact that Chris Soules may be falling in love with multiple women at the same time)

8:00 - We’re off everyone, and we’re in the teaser introduction right now. You know, where they show every dramatic moment before the show even starts. We learn that Whitney is “all in” and Becca is 50/50. The teaser ends with Bachelor Chris in tears. This show just got interesting.

8:02 - We’re in studio now with Chris Harrison as he rips on the previously dumped girls (as if their initial humiliation of being dumped on TV was not enough) in his introduction to the “wild ride” that “the entire country will be talking about tomorrow.” The word “entire” seems like a stretch.

8:03 - Chris walks through a snowy corn field while doing his initial preview voiceover. Classic “Bachelor.”

8:04 - Chris just said that his decision “could change my life.” Duh-Doyyyy!

8:05 - Whitney will go first and she’s decided to tell the family that she’s in love with Chris. She really is “all in” and that does not bode well if history is any guide. Someone should tell her that guys always go for the ones that play hard to get. 

8:08 - Whitney is choking up at the dinner table as she tells Chris’ family that she loves him. Again, maybe play those cards a little closer to the vest, sister. 

8:10 - She just told the sisters that she can move to Arlington because you can be a nurse anywhere. Quick Google search reveals the closest hospital is 27 miles away. I did hear that the Regional Medical Center of Manchester, Iowa, is looking for a good fertility nurse. 

8:12 - Chris is supposed to be discussing Whitney with his sisters, but all he’s talking about is Becca and how great she is. This is not ending well for Whitney, I’m calling that right now, 12 minutes in. Couch Potato guarantee.

8:20 - As Whitney leaves Chris’ family’s house, she says, “Don’t you dare forget how much I love you,” to Chris, who just laughs. I’m starting to feel bad for this girl.

8:22 - Now Chris is talking himself out of Whitney to his brothers and dad. Chris’ brother just laid out the exact theory I proposed about Becca being unattainable which makes her more attractive. At least one of these guys is a smart man.

8:26 - We’re back from commercial and it’s Becca’s turn to meet Chris’ family. We learn that they are certainly “all in” for Whitney, but they’re gonna give Becca a chance. It’s really the only fair thing to do, so that’s big of them. 

8:28 - Becca brought cookies, so that should win the family over.

8:30 - Chris’ family is taking turns giving Becca the death stare, but just wait until they dive into those cookies and see if they can resist her then.

8:32 - Becca’s doing the whole non-committal charade for the sisters and they might literally stab her before she leaves. 

8:34 - Actual quote as Chris tries to rationalize his relationship with Becca: “Becca hasn’t told me she loves me, like Whitney has, but I know she will….. that’s…. what I’m hoping for.” Yikes. 

8:42 - Mrs. Couch Potato says that Becca is just “so immature.” Sing it sister!

8:44 - Chris’ dad has yet to say a word on camera, and oh wait I must have compelled him by typing that, because he just popped on and predicted that Chris will go with the risky path of Becca. 

8:46 - Mrs. Couch Potato just pointed out, during the commercial, that she grew up on a farm and real farmers don’t wear scarves and pea coats, they wear Carhartt jackets. I suppose her point is that Chris is fake? Not everyone can be as rugged as your dad, Mrs. Couch Potato. 

8:49 - We’re back in studio with Chris Harrison, 148 women and exactly four other men, one of which is unfortunately being caught on camera behind Harrison. Poor guy, as his friends at work are already queuing up their jokes for tomorrow. 

8:52 - Chris follows the advice of his family and tries to push Becca into being vulnerable in her hotel room. Becca apparently has never seen the show, because contestants are supposed to just say they’re in love. She refuses and not even Chris Harrison knows how to react to such brutal honesty from Becca. 

8:54 - Chris’ brain just broke at Becca’s non-committal responses to his never-ending questions and his head shook for 20 seconds without words. Animals on Chris’ farm need less prodding to show affection towards Chris. 

8:56 - Becca just said there are steps that they need to take to fall in love, to which Chris replies, “What steps?” She answers, “I don’t know.” So seriously Becca, what the heck are you talking about then?

8:58 - Becca finally admitted that she’s not sure about moving to Arlington. Thank you for saying something worthwhile Becca, because seriously, Arlington, Iowa, does suck.

9:00 - Chris just said that Becca’s answers show that she wants him. Seriously, that’s what you took away from that? It must be true that guys will hear whatever they want when a pretty girl talks. 

9:01 - I bet real farmers don’t cry like Chris is right now. Right Mrs. Couch Potato!

9:05 - Chris is staring out over that same snowy corn field as he contemplates the decision at hand. Wow, does he look pensive!

9:07 - Whitney gets to harvest corn with Chris and his dad for her last date. She is so overwhelmed with the experience and Mrs. Couch Potato and I agree it’s going to be hard to watch her get her heart broken. 

9:16 - Finally back from commercial and Chris is making one last visit to Whitney’s hotel room. Whitney is literally the anti-Becca as she says exactly everything a “Bachelor” contestant is supposed to say. It’s all “amazing” and “awesome” and “fantastic” - and everyone playing “The Bachelor” drinking game of taking a shot when one of those words is uttered, just passed out.

9:19 - There is a TV in the background as Whitney and Chris talk. Does anyone ever just watch TV on “The Bachelor?” ’Cause I know I’d get tired of all the talking and getting to know each other, geez. Everyone knows that a sound marriage is based on being quiet while the TV is on! 

9:21 - Whitney is really laying it on thick with Chris and I have a feeling he’s wishing she’d shut the hell up already so that his brain can slowly drift back to Becca.

9:23 - Chris pretty much just replied to Whitney’s declaration of love and plea for reassurance with “ditto.” Always reassuring.

9:30 - Sweeping helicopter shots of cornfields, bridges and then a closeup of Chris shirtless in his hotel room. That’s the bachelor trifecta money shot!

9:31 - Even Neil Lane can’t believe he’s in Iowa right now, let alone Becca.

9:32 - Becca is apparently a George Costanza fan, because she has just draped herself in a velvet dress for the final rose ceremony. Seinfeld joke alert.

9:33 - First bro hug with Chris Harrison and Chris Soules at Chris’ childhood barn. It was an “amazing” hug. Who has a childhood barn? 

9:34 - The production crew just turned Chris’ childhood barn into a gigolo’s apartment for the final rose ceremony / proposal pad. Classy as always.

9:39 - Commerical for Channel 4 Action News: Subway worker robbed at knifepoint says, “I’m not going to risk my life for Subway.” Amen brother, amen.

9:41 - Here comes the first limo down the long dirt road to reveal who is going home. And it’s the VELVET FOG who steps out of the limo first! Becca is going home folks! Looks like the bachelor guarantee is worth absolutely nothing.

9:44 - As Chris gives his little speech, Becca looks extremely relieved that he is sending her home. She’s very gracious in leaving because that is exactly what she was hoping he’d do. Well played Becca, well played. 

9:47 - Cue up obligatory fake tears from Chris as Becca’s limo pulls away. But not Becca, she doesn’t even appear to bat an eye on the ride out of the hellscape otherwise known as Iowa. Her disingenuous talking head only hammers home that point. 

9:54 - Pretty sure the music department is channelling the horns from the movie “Field of Dreams” as Whitney pulls up in her limo. Also set in Iowa, by the way. 

9:58 - After a final plea from Whitney, who doesn’t realize that she’s “won,” Chris finally starts his speech. True to form, it, of course, makes no sense, has no point and lacks direction. But Whitney is eating it up and…. he finally told her he loves her. But will he propose? 

9:59 - YES! He does propose and we have a newly engaged couple folks. The farmer from Iowa chose the safe bet, which I guess is really not all that surprising when you think about it. Although he is on a dating reality show, doesn’t appear to have a Carhartt jacket and spikes his hair up extremely high. I’m going with Mrs. Couch Potato, are we sure this guy is an actual farmer?

10:00 - Whitney accepted his proposal, ring and final rose, and then she dropped an F-bomb and Chris giggled like a school girl. And that’s a wrap on “The Bachelor” folks. 

The “After the Final Rose” show did not offer much to write home about, but we did learn that the next season of “The Bachelorette” will feature not one, but two women vying for the love of 25 eligible bachelors. Britt and Kaitlyn will both appear on the next season, so maybe I will have to break out one more Live Blog for this truly special television event, beginning later this spring. Thanks for reading everybody.

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