New Castle News

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November 13, 2012

Gary Church: My wife’s deodorant demand really stinks!

NEW CASTLE — After 38 years of marriage, my wife has given me an edict.

She told me that when the new bathroom is in, I have to spray my armpits in the hallway.

I guess, unbeknownst to me for all of these years, that my spray powder deodorant builds up on the bathroom floor.

Then she went on a rampage, stating that it’s all over the bathroom walls, and even on the bathroom scales.

I told her that I'll just quit using deodorant. I'm not going on a world tour just to spray the pits.

She says I'll lose all my friends.

I didn't know you could smell people on Facebook.

No actual proof has been submitted to me that shows there is any Right Guard buildup on the bathroom floor.

I looked diligently and didn't see it.

My suggestion that she stand at the bathroom door with a mop, ready to use as soon as I leave the bathroom, didn't go over very well.

You ladies are probably thinking, "Why don't you change to a roll-on?"

Although I am all man, I'm a little sensitive to change in that area, and it turns red.

This reminds me of an incident that happened to me when I was a little boy. Well, not real little.

Arthur Godfrey used to advertise Ban roll-on deodorant. My mother, who was an Arthur Godfrey fan, bought some.

One day she said to me, "Gary, the bottle of Ban seems to be going down quickly. Have you been using it?"

I confessed that I had.

Why she asked me the next question, I'll never know. She inquired, "Where do you put it?"

The only place I ever saw Arthur Godfrey roll the deodorant, was on his finger, which I did likewise.

All my childhood friends will tell you, my finger never had B.O.

Until this deodorant issue is straightened out, I wouldn't get real close to me.

I still say it's my daughter’s hair spray that she sees, but my wife informs me that she moved out 11 years ago.

Perhaps it's the Polident.


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