New Castle News

November 10, 2012

Josh Drespling: Gluttony is my friend

Josh Drespling
New Castle News

NEW CASTLE — Mmmm. It's amazing what a great breakfast an “extreme” size Slim Jim with a Full Throttle energy drink to wash it down makes.

It’s amazing if you’re in the market for some heartburn and a sugar crash in about 45 minutes. Those items will go well with the aged-cheddar, kettle-cooked chips I have stashed here at work. My morning grazing is complete. It is time to get some work done.

It's almost 10 a.m. I wonder if there are any Twizzlers in the candy machine, or maybe there are some of those donuts left in the break room. One or the other, I can’t decide. Oh, heck with it — I’ll have both.

Where did I put that change?

Back at my computer, I need something to drink. Those donuts … yeah, I had two and the licorice made me thirsty. I think I'll get some coffee. Heaps of sugar to hide the coffee taste and lots of Bailey’s coffee creamer to make it go down smooth.

Just in time, too. The Full Throttle has nearly worn off.

Oh, look at that. Somebody brought in a whole shopping bag of fun-size Snickers and Three Musketeers. Must have been left over from Halloween. Jackpot! My pockets are full!

It's almost lunchtime, and I just checked my bank account. Plenty of money in there. Should I drive through or dine in? Greasy burgers, here I come. Nah, wait, there is a Subway close by. I can “Eat Fresh.” Pile on the processed meat and make it a foot long with extra mayo, please.

 “Would you like to make it a meal?” the Sandwich Artist asks.

“Why, yes, give me some cookies and a large Dr. Pepper,” I reply.

After devouring my food like some sort of ravenous baboon, I toss a piece of sugar-free gum into my mouth and refill my 32-ounce soft drink. Yes, it's sugar-free gum. I wouldn’t want to consume any unnecessary calories.

Back to work I go with a full belly and a clogged artery.

It's not long before a co-worker makes his daily rounds, distributing chocolate and other candy treats. Of course, I partake. It would be rude not to accept his generosity.

In what seems to be a matter of moments, the clock on the wall strikes 4. I can clearly hear the dinner bell ringing in my head.

As soon as I get home, I sauté a batch of fresh mushrooms with onions and lots of butter to accompany the extra-creamy Alfredo sauce, which I intend to pour all over the penne I am also preparing. For good measure, I have to have something green to accompany my pasta. I, of course, drown my broccoli in melted, gooey Velveeta with a dash of salt to kick it up a notch.

I sit on the couch loosening my belt to make room for dessert. A stealthy raid on the kid's trick-or-treat bounty yields some Whoppers, Skittles, and a few Starbursts.

As the evening comes to a close I replay the day's gluttony and realize why I keep a bottle of Pepto in my desk.