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March 19, 2013

Gary Church: I am NOT a hoarder — I’m just a really good planner!

NEW CASTLE — Don't you hate it when you lose your tan dress shirt?

I'd looked everywhere, three different times, and never found it.

Big shot decided she would try looking for it, and found it on the back of my door, right where I hung it.

I had looked there four times.

I appreciated her finding it. It was the 10 minutes of taunting afterward that was hard to accept.

It's usually her fault when something around here ends up missing.

Take the handle to the Swiffer Duster — it's gone!

When we remodeled the bathroom, her job was to clean out the bathroom closet.

She did.

Missing are my mustache trimmer, my original back brush, the fine collection of dental floss that I gotten from the hygienist, plus the battery operated tub scrubber that she got for Christmas in the 1990s.

I was just getting ready to use that scrubber, and now it's nowhere to be found.

She keeps accusing me of being a hoarder.

I only save the important stuff that I am going to need in the near future.

There is a reason why the marbles I had as a kid are stored in the closet.

Someday, I'm going to teach my grandson how to play Chinese Checkers, and I will need the marbles.

Also missing is the pink heating pad my mother used when I was a little boy. I was just getting ready to fix it, and it has vanished.

She did save the fluorescent bulb that we needed back in the 70s, when we had florescent lighting in the bathroom.

She only throws away my stuff, not hers.

I bet she still has her original training bra in her dresser drawers.

She hasn’t tossed out the thing I used to wear in gym class as  a boy — and I bet it’s because she doesn’t know what it is.

Then again, I really don't care if it does ends up missing.

It probably won't fit me anymore anyhow.


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