NEW CASTLE —
After years of superhero admiration, and in spite of the fact that were are firmly planted in the center of the glory days of superhero movies, I have come to a disturbing conclusion: Our superheroes are in need of a serious upgrade.
Many of these super humans were spawned from the imagination in the mid-20th century. Science and technology have advanced to such a point that many of these special powers are inconceivable, defy the laws of physics, or simply are not practical.
Take, for instance Superman and his ability to fly. The origin of his power is that he was from the planet Krypton, whose sun emitted red solar radiation. When he was in the earth's atmosphere with our measly yellow sun and it's lower yield radiation, he suddenly has super-human ability to defy gravity and act independently from it. Could someone explain to me how the type of gases burning several million miles away from a planet could possibly affect the gravitational pull on a human-sized pile of carbon?
Additionally, if he is capable of overcoming gravity, how then does he produce thrust or, better yet, how does he stop? If he is able to defy the laws of physics, then why on Earth (no pun intended) does he feel the need to wear a cape?
Then there is Batman. He has no powers at all. He is nothing more than a handyman with a belt full of gadgets and a cool car. If he really had a fanny pack capable of holding all the devices he uses, it would be the size of a giant suitcase. Additionally, how does he see the Bat Signal in the sky when he spends all his down time in that subterranean lair? And why does he also feel the need to wear a cape?
Is there is some kind of prerequisite to graduate superhero school that you must don a flamboyant cape and skin-tight pants?
We also have that city-dwelling web slinger, Spider-Man. He always manages to contain his battles to cityscapes. I implore you to come out in the open and fight man-to-man. Enough of the ducking, weaving, and hiding routine. I bet I can fix that spider bite with a little Benadryl or perhaps some Raid.
Then there is Aquaman, who is often perched on one of the lower rungs of the superhero greatness scale. He possesses the only power that is remotely feasible. His ability to sonically communicate with aquatic life aligns with scientific study. Only problem is that this is just lame. If I'm a bad guy, one step away from the water's edge you can do nothing to me. Na-nana-na-na. Save it for Shark Week.
I could go on and on about the uselessness of Wonder Woman's lasso or Captain America's shield. Even better, we can dive into the topics of annoying sidekicks such as the quirky Robin and spin-offs like SuperGirl or Wonderboy.
I know these heroes were born out of pure fantasy and entertainment, but I need something a little more current and reality based. I'm not saying I want a hurricane fighting, fiscally responsible, fossil fuel generating caped crusader. But one that ran around and turned off all the lights left on in my house would be a good start.
I know, I strip away all the fun and adventure from the story, but if I don’t get my way, I'm gonna get angry and “you won't like me when I'm angry.”
(Are you friends with us on Facebook? “Like” our page for a chance to win fantastic prizes! CLICK HERE!)
News Bloggers
Related Photos
-
About Josh Drespling: Josh is a former graphic designer at The News. His blog appears each Saturday.
Discussion
Josh Drespling: Maybe ‘super powers’ of our heroes aren't so super after all
- News Bloggers
-
-
‘The Couch Potato’: I hate to say it, but it’s hard not to like ‘The Bachelorette’
On most nights in the Couch Potato household, Mr. Couch Potato controls the remote from high atop his brown suede throne. Oh sure, the two little French Fries running around may get to watch “Doc McStuffins” or “The Mickey Mouse Club” before bed, but then it’s back to the DVR.
-
Gary Church: Don’t tell my wife, but I’m talking dirty today
I often hear my wife questioning my sanity. There are things I do sometimes that make me question it myself. Since my day job is being a garden writer, companies send me free plants to grow, and perhaps I write about them.
-
Lisa Madras: It wasn’t Nirvana, but it certainly was better
When you look into the past, what do you miss the most? For a bunch of my co-workers, who are still floating around on cloud nine from last week's concert, the answer would probably be New Kids on the Block.
-
Josh Drespling: Breakfast for dinner? Yep, as long as I’m makin’ bacon!
A while back I was rummaging through the kitchen tying to figure out what to make for dinner. My daughter was in the the other room complaining that she was hungry and my wife was echoing with the usual, “What are you doing for dinner?”
-
Gary Church: My life? Vanilla? I’m cool as ice, ice, baby!
Sometimes my life is so exciting, I can hardly stand it. At the ripe old age of 68, I still am discovering new adventures to explore.
-
Tim Kolodziej: Yep, New Kids are STILL on the block — here’s why
Milli Vanilli. Tone Loc. Taylor Dayne. Tiffany. New Kids on the Block. OK, let’s play the old “Sesame Street” game: One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belong. (With a concert photo gallery.)
-
‘The Couch Potato’: Thanks to on-demand selections, I can watch classic TV any time
When I was growing up, we weren’t poor. We weren’t rich either, but it’s not like we were barely scraping by. I had my sweet Nike kicks, a comfortable brick ranch and as many snacks as we could handle.
BUT WE DIDN’T HAVE CABLE! -
Gary Church: Dish gardens weren’t exactly a mob hit back in the day
I started working at Welker's Greenhouses back in the early 1960s. Mixing dirt was not the most glamorous job, but I worked my way up in the company. By the mid-’60s, I was promoted to route salesman.
-
Lisa Madras: Despite emotional moments, I’m a Big Apple believer to the core
What is your favorite place on Earth? I have an embarrassing secret to share with you. Two weekends ago, I took a bus trip with some of the Jameson Hospital staff to New York City. When we came through the tunnel and saw the city sprawling out before us, I burst into tears.
-
Josh Drespling: Students get a summer vacation — what about parents?
About nine months ago, we parents were all prepared to attack the new school year with vigor and determination. We had a new stash of supplies, including the perfect pencils and pens, a crisp new backpack, and all the other wares our children could ever need or want.
- More News Bloggers Headlines
-
