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October 27, 2012

Josh Drespling: By the time I win my daily battle with alarm clock, it’s too late — and so am I

NEW CASTLE — My alarm clock and I have a special relationship. I hate it, and it knows it. There is a bit of dependence, but still I loathe its very existence. I smack it around and neglect it on a regular basis.

If it were a woman or child I would be immediately charged with battery.

In my defense, this device is an enabler. It so willingly offers that tempting snooze button, as if it is asking for me to deviate from my noble intentions. If it doesn’t want me to notice its “features” then it should not flaunt them like that. Putting those “features” only inches from my face as I cradle my soft pillow while teetering on the edge of consciousness, is pure torture and borderline obscene.

If this pile of plastic and circuits had any respect for me, it would not dare tempt me so. If it cared in the least about my well-being, it would not interrupt my peaceful slumber. It would not destroy my moments of unconscious bliss with its red glowing face. Nor would it challenge my dominance or hold such contempt for my supremacy.

I know it lies in silence, waiting for the opportune moment to unload its full frontal attack on my peace of mind. It waits patiently to exact its revenge in our ongoing battle of wits and brawn. This battle that we have waged for countless years has seen both me and my inanimate foe as the victor.

My alarm predictably deploys a cowardly sneak attack under the cover of darkness. This formidable attack is often launched in the wee hours of the morn, just as the sun begins to crack the cold, dark sky.

The screeching and ungodly howling of my alarm's battle cry resonates throughout the house, across the valley, and through the neighboring forest, jarring the dead from their graves and sending every last woodland creature scurrying to safety.

In spite of my enemy's best effort, the bellowing it produces is soon extinguished with the use of one of its alluring features. Though the snooze button could have only been spawned from the depths of Hades, it has become my constant and trustworthy friend. This simple, yet useful button has bought me another nine minutes of treasured sleep. But the more this ally is called upon, the more of an enemy it becomes. It quickly switches its allegiance from the side of good to that of the atrocious alarm clock.

Soon its blood-curdling cry will ring out again, signaling the onset of yet another battle between me and this deplorable object.

Eventually, I will fall victim to my anger and smother this being with my pillow, ending its reign of terror. Perhaps I can douse it with water and destroy its inner workings. Maybe I can cut off its power supply, thus permanently ending its miserable existence. Until then, I shall wage a valiant war against this great evil that has beseeched my bedroom and every other bedroom in America.

Until this conflict has reached its end, I will fight and continue to be 10 minutes late for work each day and every day.


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