New Castle News

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July 16, 2013

Gary Church: Hi, ho ... wait, where's the hero I know?

NEW CASTLE — I haven't been to a movie in more than 10 years.

When I heard there was going to be a remake of “The Lone Ranger,” I knew I would go see it.

The bad reviews didn't bother me. I was going no matter what.

As a child, every Saturday at 1 p.m., I was glued to the TV set to watch “The Lone Ranger” and his faithful Indian friend Tonto.

The movie was OK, but they should have asked me to be a consultant on the film.

I waited and waited for Tonto's horse Scout to appear, but he didn't show up until the end of the movie. They never mentioned the horse’s name, not even in the credits.

Where were the silver bullets?

Any fan of “The Lone Ranger” knows he only used silver bullets.

Another disappointing thing was, in the middle of the movie, he took his mask off.

In all my youth, I never once saw the Lone Ranger with his mask off.

Wouldn't you expect, at the end of the movie after the Lone Ranger had saved the day, and rides off, someone in the crowd would say, "Who was that masked man?"

That never happened. ... OK, I said it to myself in my seat.

So what gave me the goosebumps, and maybe a tear to my eye, during the movie?

There's nothing like watching the Lone Ranger riding Silver, and coming to the rescue, and you hear coming out of the surround sound speakers, "The William Tell Overture."

The only thing that comes close to it is, the “Rocky” theme, when he runs up the steps during training.

The movie is more about becoming the Lone Ranger than it is as him being an instant hero.

I might add, not one cuss word was said during the whole film.

To get my money's worth, I sat in my seat during the entire length of the credits.

Everyone else left, and the clean-up guy came in with the broom and dust pan, but my eyes stayed glued to the screen.

There were 13 females in the theater, and I was the only male.

If they came to see Johnny Depp, they might have been disappointed. It could have been Frank Sinatra under all that make-up.

Since the Lone Ranger forgot to say it when he rode off at the end, I had to add my own, "Hi ho Silver, away!"

Now I'm waiting for the remake of Lash LeRue. My phone number is listed, just in case the producers need to call me.


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