New Castle News

November 16, 2012

Gary Church: It was finally time for me to man up and get a ... mammogram

Gary Church
New Castle News

NEW CASTLE — Let let me say, I enjoy my masculinity.

Now that I'm an old goat, some of my masculine parts may need a little tweaking once in a while.

Did you ever notice when you see a drug commercial on TV, it is usually followed by five minutes of information on how, after taking this drug, it will kill you.

The doctor put me on one of those drugs.

I did fine for a year, with no side-effects.

All of a sudden, I noticed I had a problem with my right breast, which is a side-effect when taking this medication.

I did what any normal guy would do, I stopped taking the drug, figuring the problem would go away.

It didn't.

Naturally, being a guy, I didn't tell anyone — especially my wife.

Since October was breast cancer awareness month, I started to become a concerned citizen, especially after reading about it every day in the paper.

I finally went to the doctor.

He said to me one of the things that I dreaded most, "You need a mammogram, STAT!"

When he said STAT, I didn't know whether to go get the exam, or just go directly to the funeral home.

I chose the exam.

Mammograms are usually a female thing, and women never seem to have anything nice to say about them.

Within two hours, I was face-to-face, or chest-to-chest, with that wonderful machine.

I've written songs about mammograms, never in my life expecting to have one.

The X-ray lady was a sweetheart. She gave me a bag to put my shirt and undershirt in.

I just threw them in the bag.

After she gasped, she took them out and folded them, and then neatly put them back in the bag.

Then she caught me a little off guard when she asked if I had any deodorant on.

I wasn't sure if I stunk or what.

You are not allowed to wear deodorant while having a mammogram.

I'm sorry, I never learned the mammogram rules.

She made me wash it off.

I thought maybe if I put a little fear in her heart, she would take it easy on me.

I told her that I was a writer, and any harm she may do to me, could appear in The News.

Guys, just let me tell you, women exaggerate. This exam was a piece of cake.

The most pain I felt was when the technician ripped a piece of tape off me.

I don't think she was used to giving mammograms to people with a hairy chest.

After reading the X-rays, the doctor told me I had Gynecomastia.

I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. All I really wanted to know was, how do I get rid of it?

The doctor said it was a very common side-effect when taking certain medications.

Bottom line is, I'm going to live.

What's nice is, I'll now be able to join in the conversation, when women start blabbing about their mammograms.

My first question will be, "Did the technician fold your clothes for you?"