NEW CASTLE —
Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?
This is a tough question, and one that I think doesn't really have a right or wrong answer.
It's one that's weighing heavily on me now, though, so I thought it would be a good time to write about it, while the feelings are still fresh ... or more aptly, while the wounds are still raw. And Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Yippee.
I ended a long-time relationship toward the end of last year, and I keep waiting for some type of resolution that never really comes. I make amazing progress for weeks and sometimes even months on end, only to be stopped dead in my tracks by a song that reminds me of him, or a movie that we once watched together.
One of my favorite singers is Christina Perri (if you've never heard her music and are the type to enjoy having your still-beating heart wrenched out of your chest, check out her stuff!) and the line that flattens me to the floor every single time I hear it is this:
"I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed."
Apparently, Miss Perri is the "better to have never loved at all" type. And the entire time I was dating this particular man, I thought, "Oh no... I would never feel like that!"
Until he was gone.
And I felt like that.
The thing is, I think once you've loved — I mean really, REALLY loved — someone with every fiber of your being, that they become a part of who you are, and the piece that's missing when they're gone ... well, it's a hole in you. And even when you replace it with a different piece, it's still a DIFFERENT piece, not THAT piece.
And sometimes the pain of that missing piece is so acute, at the most ridiculous and random times, that you have no choice but to think that you'd sell your soul to have never had that piece to miss in the first place.
I hate to sound like a downer here. I wish I was the kind of person who could appreciate lost love, learn from it, and grow. And I'm sure I have in some ways. Maybe someday I'll learn how to reconcile myself to the fact that I have a piece missing. Maybe someday I'll be able to accept that this me with the missing piece is exactly who I'm supposed to be.
Just not now.
"A true soulmate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave."
— Elizabeth Gilbert, "Eat, Pray, Love"