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February 7, 2014

Gary Church: Here’s something for you to chew on — yes, I am an addict

NEW CASTLE — There comes a time when an addict has to admit he has a problem and seek help.

I have reached that stage of my life.

There are several things to become addicted to. Mine is chewing on things.

It started out innocently enough, munching on pens at work.

It got so none of the other employees would touch a pen that I had used.

There were usually teeth marks on them.

But like other addicts, that wasn't enough. I needed more.

I completely chewed up the TV remote at home.

When it quit working, and I had to take it back, I did what other addicts do — I lied.

I told them my dog did it.

It was hard for me to admit the truth. I'm addicted to chewing on stuff.

This all started 30 or more years ago when I broke off a tooth.

My faithful dentist fixed me up with a removable partial, with one tooth on it.

The problem was, in those days the tooth was made of plastic. One bite on the tooth, and I was hooked.

About every six months I would have to get a new one, because I chewed the tooth down to nothing.

From a plastic tooth, to pens, to remotes, and now the rubber antenna on my police scanner, I realize I'm obsessed with chewing on anything that is chewable.

The other day, the pen I use to work the crossword puzzles with finally ran out of ink.

I had been trimming the chewed end off trying to hide my problem, but my wife spotted it.

Now I have a new pen. I don't want to abuse it.

I think if I would get into some group therapy, I may be able to beat this.

The problem is, there is no "Plastic Pen Chewers Anonymous" listed anywhere in the phone book.

My best hope is to find a pen that won't fit in my mouth, or one made of steel.

My name is Gary, and I'm an addict.

 

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