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October 2, 2012

Gary Church: I used to be a big shot, but my influence is shrinking

NEW CASTLE — Back in the 1950s, I went to see the movie, "The Incredible Shrinking Man."

In the film, a man was on a boat and went through some kind of radioactive mist. Four months later he came in contact with some insecticide, and started shrinking.

He got so small that he lived in a doll house.

His wife came home one day and saw signs that the cat ate him, but it didn't. He lived alone in the basement and finally shrank into nothing.

I think I have become that man.

My wife has been complaining that the pants I buy are too long. I keep walking on the cuffs.

For 50 years, I've been wearing the same size pants, and I'm not changing just because the tailors can't measure right anymore.

I went to the doctor’s last week to get weighed in, and the nurse checked my height.

She said I was six feet, one and a half inches tall.

I told her that wasn't right. I'm six foot, three and a half inches tall.

She checked again and said, "No, you're six feet, one and a half inches tall.

After much bickering, I got her to write down 6-2.

I told her I was wearing my flats, but when I'm in my heels, I'm 6-3.

I've aways had to buy my clothes in the Big and Tall department.

In the future, I'll probably be buying them in boys wear.

And what about all the guys I've called "Shorty?" Will they seek revenge?

How long does it take to learn to walk in stilettos?

If I can't do that, I can always become a Munchkin. I always did like yellow bricks.


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