New Castle News

October 8, 2013

Gary Church: Yep, I’m a big chicken when it comes to buying booze

By Staff
New Castle News

NEW CASTLE — My wife watches cooking shows on TV.

I don't.

There is one chef on the Internet I do check in on once in a while.

If you want some good Italian recipes and have a good chuckle, watch Chef Fabio Viviani on the web.

This week, his recipe was for simple lemon chicken, or chicken piccata.

I had my wife watch the episode, and I gave her the recipe.

She actually made it.

There was one ingredient that we did not have on hand.

Since it was my idea to make it, I had to go to the liquor store and purchase my very first bottle of wine.

You must realize that I was always taught, “one sip of booze and you go straight to hell.”

This was going to be a new experience for me.

I timidly pulled up in front of the Wine and Spirits place, carefully looked around to see if I knew anybody, then made a mad dash into the building.

You have all heard the joke that the Arabs don't recognize the Jews, the Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Luckily, no one recognized me.

Skip the manager asked me if I needed any help. I usually say "no" when someone asks that, but I wanted to hurry and get out of there.

I told him I needed a bottle of white wine, not cooking wine, to cook chicken in.

He chose a bottle of white chardonnay and told me the price was $6.95.

I could handle that.

Then he asked the big question: "Do you have a corkscrew?"

Do I look like a guy who would not have a corkscrew?

I said, "Probably, but I don't know where it is."

He sold me a corkscrew.

The directions on it said, "Screw the worm into the cork."

What worm?

I finally figured out it must mean the screwy thingy on the corkscrew.

I was amazed how easily I opened the bottle of wine. Maybe I could be a waiter someday.

The chicken piccata turned out very good. It was the most tender piece of chicken I have ever eaten.

You have to watch Chef Fabio to see how to do it.

Now I have the problem: what do you do with the leftover wine?

I don't think you get sent to hell for just having a bottle in the house, do you?

I think I'm going to hide it under the sink, right behind the oven cleaner.

It will probably remain there until I die.