New Castle News

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September 18, 2012

Gary Church: I’m not looking for a quicker picker upper — I just want a paper towel

NEW CASTLE — Probably from a childhood trauma that occurred, my wife buys only two rolls of paper towels at a time.

What this means is, we frequently run out of them.

This usually happens when a catastrophic event occurs, and there are no paper towels in sight to use.

This happened to me last week as I was leisurely enjoying my bowl of Special K at the breakfast table.

I glanced over to my right and spotted Stan the Stinkbug hanging on the kitchen curtain.

His friends Stu and Stella Stinkbug were here the night before, and I thought maybe Stan was looking for them.

My favorite way of helping the bugs to pass away is to leave them alone. They then head for my kitchen ceiling light fixture.

It seems they prefer that spot for their finale destination.

That's what happened to Stu and Stella.

Since there were no paper towels, Stan got a reprieve on his life.

I went back to eating breakfast when I noticed a black dot on my arm.

I scratched it to see what it was, and the red stuff came gushing out.

What could I do?

There were no paper towels, and my wife has her cleaning rags all numbered, just in case one shows up missing.

By this time, the flow had grown to the size of a coffee ground.

I looked around for anything I could use as a tourniquet, but saw nothing.

Holding my arm very still, I was able to finish breakfast and wash it off.

Then, it was like a light shining from above, I spotted a folded paper towel that I had set on the top of the fridge at some time in my life.

After I patted my incision dry, I placed Stan in the towel, to give him a gentle squeeze into eternity.

No, my stink bugs don't stink!

To avoid running out of paper towels in the future, I plan on hiding a few spare sheets around the house.

Should you come to visit, and look under the sofa cushion, don't be surprised if you see a paper towel there.

You never know when a catastrophe will occur, and I want to be ready.

Maybe I'll place a spare roll in the oven. She never looks in there.


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