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April 15, 2013

Lisa Madras: Longing for a do-over? Like scissors, it’s in your hands

NEW CASTLE — If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?

My kids ask me all the time if I like being a grown-up. I tell them that it has its upsides and downsides, but always think to myself, "My gosh, what I wouldn't give to be a kid again and start all over."

I’ve made so many horrendous mistakes along the way. I lived my life with my heart on my sleeve and allowed my emotions to overrule my intellect. I didn't play well with others because I refused to accept that they didn't play fair. And truth be told, I kinda liked running with scissors. It wasn’t a smart choice, but it sure was an exhilarating one.

Problem is, at some point, I ended up old, feeling like a failure, and full of scissor-holes.

I've been punishing myself for these mistakes for as long as I can remember. I eventually gave up hope not only because I was tired of banging my head against a seemingly impenetrable wall, but because I finally and truthfully believed that I no longer deserved hope.

I'd created two amazing children, and they were now my priority, and where I should focus any hope that was left. But have you ever gotten to the point in your life where you accepted that things would always be the same and nothing would ever change for the better? Unless you're already living your dream life, it's not a great place to be. Is that really the mother I want my children to have?

I think that if I look really deep down inside myself, I realize that it's the fear of making the same mistakes that's kept me from pursuing anything new.

Well, enough of that garbage. I love the mistakes I've made because they've been invaluable to me. They taught me more than high school and college combined. They taught me how I learn.

They taught me.

So, going forward, I will no longer punish myself for my blunders and missteps. I had to go to that place to get to this one. This one has hope.  This one isn't the dark corner of fear because it knows better now.

And without fear, there are no limitations. I will continue to learn and grow. I will continue to run with scissors.

Only this time, I'll keep the blades pointed down and my hope out on my sleeve.

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