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April 4, 2014

Gary Church: My retirement dreams have gone up in flames

NEW CASTLE — Probably sometime in your life, you have pictured what your retirement will be like.

Visions of you sitting in your chair, wearing a cardigan sweater, with a pair of slippers on, smoking a pipe. Maybe those thoughts have crossed your mind.

You may dream of looking over at your dear wife, and see her relaxing, while reading a thick novel of some sort.

I can't say that my retirement is how I pictured it.

When I look over at my wife, she's not reading a novel — she's reading the phone book.

I don't know why she finds it so interesting.

It sits beside her chair, so that any time during the day, she can pick it up and find out what street you live on.

This must fascinate her.

It's the one with both Mercer and Lawrence counties in it, so no one in that area is safe.

If she would go visit the people she looks up, I could understand it.

She never reads the yellow pages, just the white ones.

I can't say that I ever took up pipe smoking, so that's out of the picture.

Instead, I listen to the police scanner all day to see if your house catches fire, even when I'm not on duty.

If I'm on duty, I come over and take a nice photo of everything you own going up in flames.

I had never pictured me doing this in my retirement.

Going to the beach is also out of the question.

My dog has issues when we go anywhere, so we don't leave the house for a very long period of time.

Then there are those two things that you have always taken for granted, your wonderful knees.

When you get old, they no longer want you to use them. If you do, they let you know it by inflicting severe pain with every step you take.

So whatever dreams you have of retirement, it may not end up that way.

Forget the 401K’s, the IRA's, and all of those pension checks.

Just get a police scanner, a dog, a phone book, and plenty of Advil.

You’ll be all set.


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