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June 4, 2014

The Couch Potato: You’ve got questions? Then this Spud’s for you!

NEW CASTLE — Hello and welcome everybody to the 52nd weekly Couch Potato blog. I’m your host, Spuds McGillicutty, and we’re here to celebrate a true American hero — The Couch Potato.

Here he comes now, disguised as usual with his slicked-back hair, trademark shades and of course that Mr. Potato Head connected faux mustache. Let’s get this thing started.

Spuds McGillicutty (SG): We’re here with the world-renowned Couch Potato, the Internet’s most revered, yet anonymous television and movie critic, celebrating one year of the most non-banal entertainment articles that millions of fans have fallen in love with. How does it feel to produce 52 of these gems?

Couch Potato (CP): Well Spuds, I did have two guest articles, so it’s really only 50. But it has been an honor for the people of New Castle, as well as those around the world, to be able to peer into the mind of a genius each week. As long as I keep making the world a better place, then the Couch Potato is fulfilling his mission.

SG: Being adored by fans and showered with love, how have you managed to maintain your humility through this process?

CP: It hasn’t been easy, really. I mean, you look into the mirror and you see those piercing blue eyes staring back at you and you just ... you just fall in love all over again. And then you know why everyone else has fallen in love with you, too. Even if they can’t see the eyes, they know they’re there.

SG: How has Mrs. Couch Potato and the French Fries handled all of the accolades and adoration?

CP: When you win the life lottery like they did, being forever hitched to a star, you just sit back and enjoy all that comes with the life. Trips to Europe, cruises around the world, unlimited pork — you know, from my huge pork sponsorship deal — it is their life now and they just know how to enjoy it.

SG: “Quick Hits” quickly, pardon the pun, became your go-to column when the well of ideas seemed to run dry. How did you come up with such a brilliant idea — briefly stating random thoughts about shows currently airing on television? Man, that never gets old.

CP: First of all Spuds, the well has never and will never run dry. But to answer your query, you never want to question the process too much. I have two great fears, one of which is that by delving too deeply into the abyss of the mind, you may break what makes it great. It’s just too risky to overanalyze the “Quick Hits,” mainly because I don’t want the reader to be robbed of all that they give.

SG: What’s the other?

CP: Huh?

SG: The other fear?

CP: Oh, gravity.

SG: There’s a common misconception out there that you are actually a potato. What do you say to the critics who have literally tried to fry you and your family?

CP: Well, first of all, the jokes on them, because that is how the French Fries got their name in the column, so chalk another one up for the creative vacuum that is my very “human” brain. But seriously, in all honesty, and telling the truth, I just say, “whatever, man.” I can’t control what the tater haters out there will say, and all I know is that when I lay down at night, I definitely don’t dream about Idaho. Or Ireland.

SG: How has the actual couch, made famous in your title and columns, handled the pressure?

CP: Generally with coiled metal springs and some foam cushions.

SG: Your columns have touched on a vast array of television shows, movies and other forms of entertainment. With such a heavy watching workload, do you ever actually see or talk to your kids?

CP: No.

SG: Without a doubt you have produced some of the funniest columns of the past year, the best of which was the car-buying, iPod audio cord non-buying jaunt about appreciating the little things in life. Time Magazine said, “it changed journalism and Internet blogging forever,” but then they failed to actually print the quote. I’m just pulling it from a conversation I had with one of the editors to prove my point — you’re the best!

CP: Thanks, but I think “The Bachelor” live blog was funnier.

SG: But beyond the comedy, you’ve tapped into an emotional place that has literally brought your readers to tears. How do you find that balance between the smiley face and sad face that they put on all those handouts for plays, what are they called again? Oh yeah, playbills.

CP: The comedy comes from a natural place because I’m just naturally funny, but the drama in writing comes from much deeper. As a boy, kids would torment me for my irregular-shaped head and my “eyes.” (Editor’s note: we added the quotation marks around the word “eyes,” as he did say it in a weird way, implying he had way more than just two).

SG: Wait, are you a potato?

CP: Ummm, no, I meant “eyes” in a typical sense, as all humans have “eyes!” Stop putting quotation marks around the word “eyes,” I’m not saying it strangely! This interview is over!

SG: There you have it, folks. A small peak into the mind of a genius. Whether or not he is actually a potato is a story for another day. All that matters is that he has brought an untold amount of joy to the world over the past year. We can only hope that he continues to grace us with his gift, for years to come. And that the New Castle News starts paying him.

I, Spuds McGillicutty, would really like to see that happen!

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