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March 16, 2012

Gary Church: Colonoscopy-type procedure a pain in the ... neck

NEW CASTLE — Long before it became in vogue to have a colonoscopy, I had a sigmoidoscopy.

It's done in the same general area, except you get to be awake to enjoy it.

Preparation isn't as bad for the sigmo thing as it is for the colonoscopy.

A few morning Fleet enemas and you are ready for the show.

The description of the sigmoidoscopy says that the doctor inserts a flexible fiber-optic tube and takes a tour of your lower intestines.

I think I had mine done long before the flexible fiber-optic tube was invented.

I'm positive the doctor I went to used a two-foot long flashlight that he got out of the trunk of his car.

After a few minutes into the procedure, I realized he was no longer viewing the lower intestine. This guy went exploring clean up to my neck.

When the pain became more than I could possibly bare, everything I learned in Sunday school went completely out the window.

I yelled, "If you don't get that thing out of me, I'll kill you!"

He must have realized his life was at stake, because he did remove the telephone pole-sized flashlight.

I don't understand why the test takes so long. If you were looking up some guy’s rectum, wouldn't you want to get done as quick as possible?

A couple of "Nothing there" comments and I would be back at my desk writing out the bill.

Hospital tests are necessary, I know. I just think they should all be done while you are enjoying a nice nap.

This might keep us from being put in prison for threatening someone’s life.

I'll take a nice sonogram anytime.


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