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November 19, 2013

Gary Church: I can see clearly now the pain has gone

NEW CASTLE — If you find a lot of typographical errors in this blog, I have an excuse.

I just came from the eye doctor, and my vision is very blury. I mean blurry.

See?

When I came home with the shades on they gave me, I immediately sat at the piano and sang, "What I Say."

You may wonder why I didn't write the blog before I went to the eye doctor’s.

Well, the woman I fear most in life is the frame lady at the optometrist’s.

I felt meeting her face-to-face again might lead to some blog material.

Two years ago when I was there, she made me change from glass to plastic lenses.

I have always used glass lenses, because the plastic ones always got scratched — plus I hate change.

Using some Gestapo tactics, she forced the plastic ones on me.

This time when I arrived at the office, I timidly opened the door to see if she was in her seat, with her three-prong fork in hand.

Thankfully she wasn't, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I then told the receptionist my name, and asked her if she had a spare bottle of mace, just in case.

She didn't.

My eye exam went without incident. I didn't need new glasses, unless I wanted them.

Since I have insurance, and it was their idea that I go to the eye doctor, I said, " Sure, I'll take a new pair."

That's when the thing I feared most happened. I came face to face with the frame lady.

I immediately went on the offensive by telling her how scratched my glasses were that she made me buy.

How did I know she was going to look at them? There wasn't a scratch on them.

It was at that moment, she made me say it.

Sweating blood and trembling, I told her, "You were right. The plastic lens worked fine."

Then she started with the insults. She claimed my nose guards were yucky.

She took my glasses to the back room, and was gone for more than three hours.

When she returned, I asked how her nap was.

She claimed she had to use two different cleansers on my nose guards because they were so bad. That’s what took her so long.

Then she belted out that I was the only customer she ever has a problem with.

I think she wanted to make up with me, because she paid me the ultimate compliment.

She said my nose looked nice.

In my 69 years of living, not one person on this earth has ever said to me, "Your nose looks nice."

That statement was referring to the problem with the glass frames I used to wear. They were so heavy, they had made deep gorges in my nose.

Thanks to the lighter frames, the gorges are gone.

To return the compliment, I told her that her hair looked nice.

That's when I learned that she had fallen down the steps, and had to be flown by Life Flight to Pittsburgh.

She had her hair done to cover up all the staples in her head.

I thought to myself, that's why she was so mellow and didn't try to cause me any bodily harm.

She said for what she paid for Life Flight, they could have at least taken her to Italy.

No, we didn't make up, but I had no need to use any of my karate moves on her.

When you see me in my new glasses, the first thing you will notice is, they are made of titanium.

I'm not familiar with titanium, but the frame lady said I looked good in them.

Two compliments from her were enough for me.

I'm now the proud owner of a new pair of glasses I didn't need.

 

 

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