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September 7, 2012

Gary Church: Headin’ out for wings? Better leave your dentures at home

NEW CASTLE — Back in the 1950s, my mother, for some reason, decided to trade in our 1949 Plymouth.

My sister Evelyn took her to her friend, Honest Lou's Car Lot, on the corner of Grant Street and Greenwood Avenue to purchase another car.

Of all the cars in the world she could have bought, she ended up with an ugly 1953 green Studebaker.

I hated it.

Since I had to go everywhere my mother went, I was there when Honest Lou told her the car had a hill hold on it.

Since I was about 10 years old at the time, I thought he said "heel hold."

After she bought the car, I looked all over the floor for the place to put your heel, but I never found it.

I think I was about 40 when I realized what he was talking about.

I still have a little problem visualizing what people are trying to tell me.

My wife and I went to a wing joint in West Pittsburg to try out some new flavors of wings.

I had heard on good authority from Brad and Lucille Wallas that they served peanut butter wings.

That is exactly what I ordered.

In my mind I envisioned wings dipped in a peanut butter flavoring, sort of like the peanut vinaigrette salad dressing I get at Atria's in Wexford.

That was not the case.

The wings came covered with gobs of soft peanut butter.

If you think you get messy eating hot wings, try eating wings with peanut butter dripping all over them.

I had sticky peanut butter on my hands, mouth, mustache, cheeks, and anywhere that I might have scratched.

When I took my first bite, I thought I would have to get the jaws of life to get my mouth back open again.

It is very lucky that I don't wear dentures. My teeth would have remained glued shut, while the rest of my mouth was wide open.

That would not be a pretty sight.

For people with false teeth, I would not try these wings unless I had a jar of water, a crowbar, a wire brush, and some Polident in my pockets.

Better yet, take your teeth out and just gum the wings.

I'll probably go back there again, but maybe order another flavor that I don't need a scrub brush and Boraxo to clean up with.

They do have a rule, that during the Wednesday night wing special, you are not allowed to take any leftover wings home.

Lucky they didn't see the ones that were stuck to my pants when I left!

I'm happy to say that after several showers, and being mauled by chipmunks for a few days, I finally got all the gooey stuff off.

Thank you, Brad and Lucille.


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