NEW CASTLE —
Everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure ended Monday night with the finale of “The Bachelor.”
The Couch Potato is a long-time fan of the show and I decided to try something different this week, so welcome to the first Couch Potato “Live” Blog.
Here’s how this worked: Mrs. Couch Potato and I hunkered down in the living room, I popped open my laptop and recorded the events of the show, with my side comments, as they happened.
Hope you enjoy it!
8 p.m. — “The Bachelor” kicks things off with an Andi recap to open the show. Wwhy are we opening a show about Juan Pablo, Nikki and Claire with Andi? I smell foreshadowing.
8:02 — The preview scenes continue with shots of both of Nikki and Claire crying. We’ve seen these teasers all year, finally a payoff tonight.
8:02 — It’s Chris Harrison, everybody. He’s looking good as always and he’s coming to us live from Los Angeles with his studio full of women and some “Bachelor” alums.You’re not going to believe this, but he just said that this would be a “dramatic” episode.
8:03 — Was Juan Pablo really here to find love, asks Chris rhetorically, I think. Or more foreshadowing? Only time will tell.
8:05 — OK, here we go for real as Claire gets the first date tonight and she finally gets to meet Juan Pablo’s family. I’m going to be honest, I think Claire is the most fake, disingenuous person I have ever had the pleasure of watching on a reality TV show.
8:06 — Claire meets Juan Pablo’s daughter Camilla — awkward handshakes and high-fives ensue. I think she almost called Camilla “hot” in her post-meet interview, but then saved it by saying she was talking about Juan Pablo. So he’s hot because he has a daughter? That means I’m hot, too — YES!
8:07 — Claire just revealed that her mom is Mexican and that her whole family speaks Spanish, but she doesn’t. Oh-so-close to making a great connection to this Venezuelan family, but still a fail.
8:08 — Claire sits down and talks with Juan Pablo’s mom, so let the clichés about love begin. She literally just said, “I believe it, that there is someone who can feel about me the way I feel about them!” Yeah, that’s not that unbelievable really.
8:10 — And now it’s time for everyone’s new favorite drinking game; take a shot when someone says how important “honesty” is to them. Claire gets the ball rolling with the “honesty” game in her talk about Juan Pablo.
8:12 — Its official, Rodolfo, Juan Pablo’s cousin, just made the call that “she’s in love!” You know the saying, if Rodolfo, you’re weird cousin who is 30 years old with braces says your girlfriend is in love with you, then your girlfriend is in love with you!
8:14 — Juan Pablo’s brother, Rodrigo, says that Claire is “super sincere.” Yikes!
8:16 — Quick exit for Claire as we’re off to the first commercial. In case you’re wondering, she’s 1,000 percent ready to be a part of Juan Pablo’s family.
8:20 — An unofficial poll conducted by Chris Harrison with the live audience leaves things even more up in the air as a few people half-heartedly clap for their favorite girl.
8:21 — As we get back to the action, Rodolfo is “super excited” to see Nikki. I can’t wait for his take on how in love she is with Juan Pablo.
8:22 — Nikki tells us that she “learned a lot about herself.” And to think, all it really took for her to do that was a trip around the world on a reality show where she was forced to compete with 27 other women for the heart of a guy she just met. Seems reasonable.
8:23 — Juan Pablo’s dad just filled approximately 22 minutes of air time with “hmms” and “haws” as he grasped for anything to say next to Nikki, and then he somehow snuck in a kiss. Nice work, Dad!
8:25 — Nikki just got grilled by Juan Pablo’s mom — she held up under the scrutiny according to mom’s face time right after. Whew, that’s a relief.
8:29 — Juan Pablo just asked the camera if he can keep both girls. Um, no.
8:35 — Chris interviews the audience and one of the two guys in the crowd gets singled out to talk. His worst fears have been realized as now everyone knows he’s a fan of the show. “Honey, I told you this would happen if we came to this stupid show!”
8:38 — Catherine, a former “Bachelor winner” in the audience, likes Juan Pablo “as a person” but then completely ripped him and his family’s comments about him, to shreds. But at least she likes him as a person.
8:45 — Claire’s back for her last date with Juan Pablo and they’re taking a helicopter ride. Juan Pablo loves the scenery, but it’s not Saint Lucia he’s looking at.
8:48 — HUGE MOMENT! The helicopter lands and Claire’s voiceover begins talking about how there are no cameras or audio and Juan Puablo leans over to whisper something in her ear. She says that he said something not quite romantic, but apparently insulting and rude. Reminiscent of Andi’s experience after the fantasy suite. I think that’s why we started the episode with her flashback — nailed it, Couch Potato!
8:49 — Claire’s first REAL moment where she wasn’t a complete fake. She’s questioning Juan’s motives because he said he doesn’t know her well and his comment was all sexual. Good for her, for once.
8:52 — Back from commercial and Claire’s crying in her condo room. We find out that he told her he doesn’t know her and that he loves hooking up with her. What a hopeless romantic he’s turning out to be!
8:54 — Juan shows up and he has NO idea anything’s wrong, as usual. He asks for a kiss and she denies him. Who knew I'd get on board with Claire, as she’s actually acting like a normal human being for once.
8:56 — Claire wants more than the physical aspect. Yeah, that’s probably a good idea since he may propose to you.
8:57 — Take another shot, Juan Pablo’s just being “honest.”
9:02 — Juan Pablo just doesn’t handle the girls well when they’re upset and he is basically insulting Claire. It looks like she’s seeing through him for the first time, but ...
9:06 — Of course, she bought the baloney and she appears to be back on board. The producers trick of screaming in her earpiece to please stay just worked. Sigh of relief for for the show runners, as it’s not very “dramatic” for Chris Harrison if Claire goes home.
9:07 — Claire laughs like a 5-year-old. Just sayin’.
9:08 — Now she KNOWS it’s definitely more than a physical attraction because he said exactly what she wanted to hear. Very surprising because usually guys just say the opposite of what girls want to hear. It’s the best way into their heart, obviously.
9:10 — Claire doesn’t want a rose, she wants “forever.” And the fake, ridiculous Claire is back.
9:11 — Back at the live studio, Charlene hits the nail on the head with her word “PATRONIZING” to describe Juan Pablo’s talk with Claire. She may be the most intelligent person to ever appear on the show, which isn’t saying a whole lot, but still.
9:17 — Back from commercial and Juan Pablo wants something to happen to make him feel better about Nikki. She just walked out in a bikini to meet him, so he’s probably feeling a lot better now.
9:21 — Nikki wants some reassurance, just like Claire did, but so far he’s not offering it up. Perhaps she should start crying to get him to say something patronizing. That always seems to work like a charm.
9:27 — We’re back in the room now with Nikki, and she still wants something from him. He’s either clueless or not feeling it. Either way, SAY SOMETHING!
9:29 — Nikki says she’s nervous, but guess what, Juan tells her that he is, too. Now she feels better! As my French Fries would say, “SARCASM!”
9:31 — Juan Pablo just read a card that she wrote to him. It ended with “I Love You.” He kissed her forehead in reply. Just what she wanted.
9:32 — Juan Pablo left and now Nikki’s crying alone for what feels like a silent eternity and I’m sure she’d love to tell the cameraman where he can go, but somehow she doesn’t. I might have freaked on the guy. If I was a girl. On “The Bachelor.” Or something.
9:39 — Shout-out to Neal Lane! Great job with the diamond ring, Neal! Yay, product placement!
9:41 — Nikki said in her voiceover on the way to the final rose ceremony, “This will be the best day of my life.” That just feels like famous last words.
9:42 — Claire bear is the first off the boat at the remote Final Rose location. You know what that means everybody — she looks to be the loser.
9:43 — Chris Harrison just literally pushed her in the back on the way to her destiny. Settle down, Chris.
9:43 — Juan Pablo hesitates and Claire is nervous. Mrs. Couch Potato screams, “Just speak, Juan Pablo!” Agreed.
9:44 — He inexplicably lets her start the conversation, instead of seizing control of the moment. If you’re sending someone home, you should probably start talking first.
9:45 — Finally, he speaks and says some nice things, but then just said, “Um.” Never a good sign when someone says nice things, and then follows them with “um.” Bad things are coming next.
9:47 — He says “goodbye” and goes in for the hug — DENIED by Claire! Live audience actually cheers for Claire. If she wasn’t such a fake, I’d cheer with them.
9:48 — She’s ticked and is giving Juan Pablo a piece of her mind as she’s walking away about how he made her stay and led her on. Because reality show producers would never manipulate a delicate situation for dramatic effect at the expense of the people on the show. But Chris Harrison hugged her, so it's all good.
9:49 — Juan Pablo says he’s glad he didn’t pick her after hearing Claire rip into him before she left. He’s “honest.” Take a shot to celebrate.
9:50 — Before leaving for good, Claire lets the cat out of the bag on what he said to her on the helicopter — it was bleeped and blurred, so you can take a guess at what he said. Not coo,l Juan Pablo, to say that and then send her home. I’ll reluctantly agree with that, even if she is fake.
9:57 — Back from our last commercial break and Nikki makes her way up to the Final Rose “stage.” She’s nervous and expecting an engagement. He once again lets her start talking first as she rambles on.
9:59 — Juan Pablo responds that he loves her “honesty.” One last shot in the final minute.
10 p.m. — He rambles on and has the ring, but he’s not going to propose. So there you have it, I just wasted the past 10 Mondays of my life. I mean, even if he did propose, it was probably still a waste. But come one, I want someone down on one knee here after watching this whole thing.
Mrs. Couch Potato and I stayed up for “After the Final Rose” where Chris Harrison interviews all involved. It was actually hard to watch Chris Harrison act like a baby because Juan Pablo and Nikki did not want to answer his questions about their personal lives. Former bachelor Sean got in on the act, too, as basically the whole studio turned on Juan Pablo. He may be arrogant, egotistical and patronizing, but gosh I felt bad for the guy.
But Nikki and Juan Pablo are still together, even though he has not told her he loves her yet. Chris was appalled by this, but they seemed happy, even though no one in the audience could accept that.
Overall, a wild season of “The Bachelor” and the Couch Potato bids good luck to Juan Pablo and Nikki, even if Chris Harrison now wishes he never met such horrible people who didn’t want to share every detail of their personal lives with him.
We'll see you next time for "The Bachelorette" with, you guessed it, Andi, in the starring role.
NEW CASTLE —
Everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure ended Monday night with the finale of “The Bachelor.”
- The Couch Potato
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