Welcome to National Gift Adjustment Day.
For some folks December 26 is merely the day after Christmas but for many it’s the day they return or exchange that gift that just wasn’t exactly what they wanted. Or it’s the day when they regift something they really can’t use to someone who is on their second tier of gift recipients. For others it may be the day they finally buy for themselves what they really wanted through a combination of gift cards, Christmas cash and whatever credit line they have left after a month of manic spending.
And so it is in the spirit of National Gift Adjustment Day that I offer the following suggestions.
For Randy Lerner, owner of the Cleveland Browns — find the receipts for the first round picks in the 1999-2003 drafts. Somehow convince the NFL that the warranties for these picks have not yet expired. Make the following gift exchanges:
1999 — Exchange Tim Couch for Donovan McNabb
2000 — Exchange Courtney Brown for Brian Urlacher
2001 — Exchange Gerard Warren for LaDainian Tomlinson
2002 — Exchange William Green for Ed Reed
2003 — Exchange Jeff Faine for Larry Johnson
For Browns General Manager Phil Savage — buy yourself a top free agent that actually stays healthy enough to play. This year’s prize, LeCharles Bentley, tore his patellar tendon on the first play of training camp, an injury that was described as extremely rare in football. Last year’s top free agent, Gary Baxter missed all of last season with a torn chest muscle. He came back for a few games this year only to tear the patellar tendons in both knees, which as you might guess is extremely rare.
For head coach Romeo Crennel — start searching for a new headset which you can wear in 2008 when new head coach Bill Cowher announces he is retaining you as his defensive coordinator.
For Browns fans who need a new jersey — exchange (you pick) your Tim Couch, Courtney Brown, Gerard Warren William Green, Lee Suggs, Quincy Morgan, Antonio Bryant, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia or Trent Dilfer jerseys for a new Troy Smith.
For Browns’ season ticket holders — ask the NFL to impose a five year moratorium on scheduling any more home games in Cleveland within two weeks of any holiday. We’re already stressed enough.
For Joey “Goofus” Porter — a free years’ subscription to children’s magazine, Highlights. Maybe looking at the pictures will help him learn to be gallant when playing with others.
For delusional Stillers fans — return those sophisticated calculators which helped you perform high level mathematical functions such as addition and subtraction. After Sunday’s shellacking by the Ravens you no longer need them to determine the Stillers’ infinitesimally small chance of making the playoffs.
Not only for this year but for the foreseeable future.
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Discussion
TODD PARK: Welcome to National Gift Adjustment Day
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