New Castle News

March 19, 2012

Lisa Madras: Have an embarrassing story to tell? I’ve got a BIG ONE

By Staff
New Castle News

NEW CASTLE — Am I the only one struggling not to [fart] during [yoga]?

That's right. I said the "F" word. I'm tempted to be embarrassed about it, but that would defeat the whole purpose of today's blog.

Here again, we have some words in brackets so that you can substitute your own secret gaffe terror. Perhaps you're afraid of falling asleep in church, having a wardrobe malfunction at the office, or bursting into spontaneous laughter at a funeral. I know for me, the greatest possible imagined shame would be having my pants split open in public.

Not only do I not relish the idea of a societal stare-down of my underwear, but I gotta admit it's just a fat girl thing. You don't see skinny little celebutants tearing their trousers, and even if you did, you'd know it was just because their jaggedly little butt bone caught on a seam or something. Fat girls ... we don't get that kind of clemency.

And just imagine the horror of the ensuing laughter! The pointing and mouth covering, the looks of shock combined with glee, all unfolding like a slow motion movie segment so as to prolong your shameful suffering! Oh, the humanity!

OK, enough already! Stop trying to conjure that mental picture and get back to task!

Now realize that every single one of us feels the same way. And most of us have even committed a blooper of epic proportions, whether it’s falling down in front of the PTA (“Umm … no, ladies … I haven’t been drinking …”) or speaking to a group of prospective business clients with our fly hanging wide open. If you tell a group of 10 people an embarrassing story, at least nine of them will offer their own. And the 10th just doesn’t want to share!

Just to show you what a good sport I am, I’m going to share my own recent public humiliation. I’m a sucker for a certain type of lotion that isn’t marketed as such, but makes a to-die-for shaving cream. This stuff is so awesome that it not only gives you a long-lasting and smooth shave, but leaves your skin feeling like a newborn baby.

It’s so amazing that I drive out of town just to buy it. And I go into an “adult toy store” to get it because that’s the only place that sells it. Now, one might think that frequenting this type of store is my embarrassing story, but no, it gets better.

I’ve bragged about this cream so much to so many people that my boyfriend’s mother wanted to get some. So the boyfriend and I (did you think I was actually going to take his mom???) run into the shop, I grab my lotion and beeline for the checkout, only to find out that it’s on sale …. woo hoo! He’s still looking at the different scent options, so I yell across the store, “Honey! It’s on sale! Get the BIG ONE FOR YOUR MOM!”

Now, I’m sure you can imagine what the other shoppers thought I was talking about, based on what type of store we were currently at. I didn’t even realize my faux pas until everyone, including ALL the customers, the cashiers, and my boyfriend were doubled over in laughter.

Keep in mind that I’m the master of social gaffes, but this was probably the most embarrassing one I can think of.

The thing you have to remember is that people aren’t really reveling in your misery. Funny things happen, and even though most of don’t like being the cause of it, it’s certainly not the end of the world. Truth is, people laugh just because they enjoyed the show, and is it ever a bad thing to give someone else a little chuckle?

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” — Milton Berle