NEW CASTLE —
Does it really matter what someone else thinks about you?
A much overused phrase in my vocabulary when giving others advice is "Stop worrying so much about what other people think about you!"
I tell my children this every time they complain about a schoolmate or friend who has offered up a cutting dose of name-calling. I advise my own friends to stop pandering to finger-pointing ex's and to quit trying to live-up to the office Barbies.
But, as you all know by now, I have a bad habit of not following my own advice. A million times I've said, "Be yourself!", "Stop justifying your actions to him!", or "Your true friends like you for who you are!" But push comes to shove, and I find myself constantly worrying about the image I project. Am I nice enough, pretty enough, smart enough, professional enough, talented enough...the list is endless, and impossible to keep up with.
Trying to make every person you know understand that you're a nice/pretty/smart/professional/talented person is EXHAUSTING. It's also about as useless as displaying a prized photograph inside of a basement cupboard.
As luck would have it though, just when I needed a lesson the most, the universe felt compelled to drop it right into my lap.
Recently I went through the heartbreaking demise of a three-year long romance. As the breakup unfolded, I spent about a week and half trying to convince this man that I wasn't a villain for ending this relationship. I even went so far as to talk to his mother to make sure SHE didn't think I was a villain, either.
Brilliant and perceptive woman that I am, it only took about a half a dozen cold and demeaning texts and emails from the ex for me to have what was apparently my first halfway intelligent thought in the past three years: What did I care what this man thought? What difference could it possibly make in my life now?
Not one bit, I realized. What an incredibly freeing notion! And suddenly I understood the truth behind the two-cents I'd been giving everyone all these years. People will believe you to be exactly who and what they WANT to believe you are, and trying to prove them wrong is a colossal waste of time and energy.
I had wanted desperately to hold onto a friendship with this man, partly because I hate cutting people out of my life, but mostly because I truly valued our friendship and wanted him to remain a part of my life.
But my rationale and intellect coupled with his cold indifference made me realize that to him, I would never be anything more than a woman who had provoked his outrage. That's okay, and that's his image of me to carry within him, but it doesn't have a thing to do with my reality, or the me I know I really am.
At times in our lives, we have to question our own motivations as to why we try so hard to live up to others' expectations. There really is no good that can come from that thought process.
We should all work to be proud of what we represent: Am I caring enough, kind enough, friendly enough, helpful enough, compassionate enough? If these are the qualities that you project to the world, then the people who are worth having in it will naturally think great things about you, without you having to work for their approval.
So I'm going to say it one more time, just for good measure. "Stop worrying about what other people think about you!"
The only person's approval you should be fighting for is your own. You'll soon come to find that the people still around you are the only ones who should really be there in the first place.
Lisa Madras
Related Photos
-
Trying to please everyone is impossible. Focus on pleasing yourself.
-
About Lisa Madras: Lisa is the advertising dispatch at The News. She has agreed to blog about her personal pain in an effort to inspire others going through similar circumstances. She’ll share her thoughts each Monday.
Discussion
Lisa Madras: The only opinion about you that matters is your own
- Lisa Madras
-
-
Lisa Madras: I’ve still got plenty of questions, but now I have family to help answer them
What’s something new you’ve recently learned about yourself? Oh, happy day. I've been waiting my whole life to have a great answer to this question, and now that I finally do. I can hardly believe it myself.
-
Lisa Madras: I’m kickin’ it old school — and trying to get a leg up
What lessons did you NOT learn in the classroom? Several weeks ago, I found myself stumbling around outside of my comfort zone. I'd gone to a college campus to begin working on a new degree and new direction for my life. And boy did I feel like a square peg.
-
Lisa Madras: Don’t like me? Don’t need you around, either
What have you lost interest in recently? It seems as if I lose interest in more and more things as I get older. It might seem a frightening thought at first, but really, how many trivial pursuits do we cling to that we eventually just outgrow?
-
Lisa Madras: Don’t waste your life — it’s a precious gift that’s far too short
When did you first realize that life is short? I'm sure I don't need to remind you of last week's tragedy at the Boston Marathon. The images of that horrific event have taken their place in our souls right next to those of 9/11, the Sandy Hook shooting and every other devastating event in recent history.
-
Lisa Madras: Longing for a do-over? Like scissors, it’s in your hands
If you could do it all over again, would you change anything? My kids ask me all the time if I like being a grown-up. I tell them that it has its upsides and downsides, but always think to myself, "My gosh, what I wouldn't give to be a kid again and start all over."
-
Lisa Madras: Want a brighter future? Stop living in the past
If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? I've hemmed and hawed over this question about a gazillion times, always pushing it to the bottom of my list because I could never settle on one definitive answer.
-
Lisa Madras: Forget the law, let’s break the entire system!
What makes you angry? Oh boy, is this a loaded question for me! Where do I start, and how long are you willing to read before you nod off from the sheer exhaustion of trying to finish my list?
-
Lisa Madras: What’s your special gift? Share it, don’t hide it!
What makes you so special? It cracks me up to hear this question, because when it's generally asked, there's more than a bit of snark involved.
-
Lisa Madras: You know what burns me up? A passion!
What gives your life meaning? On the surface, it's tempting to list all the obvious things: your family, your job, your volunteer work. These things all give our lives meaning, but deep down inside each of us there's a burning.
-
Lisa Madras: I made it to my year of catharsis, and you will, too
How would you describe the past year of your life in one sentence? "The past year of my life has been cathartic." That's my easy one-sentence summary. I've been waiting to say that for such a long time. And boy, does it feel good.
- More Lisa Madras Headlines
-
