NEW CASTLE —
Can you love enough to let go?
Last weekend I went camping for the long holiday weekend. Camping, as you know, is a recent new love for me. And although much anticipated and long-planned, I sort of went into this one with a "been there, done that" mentality. (I really needed to be home getting things ready for my daughter's birthday party the following weekend.) But in very untypical "me" fashion, I chose adventure over chores, and just figured I'd make up the work afterward.
And, holey schmoley, what an adventure it turned out to be! I experienced having nothing but a canvas tent protecting me from storms, and rode blind across the campground in a golf cart during a thunderstorm at night.
But my greatest experience of the weekend was watching my 12-year-old son grow his wings. Now, since people seem to have an alarming tendency to die on me, and my two children are all the family I have left, I can't really say that keeping the apron strings nice and tight wasn't a comfort to me. But living in a secluded little tribe of three people and viewing most of the outside world as a potential threat is not really a healthy environment for a child to grow up in. As scared as I was, I wanted to see him fly.
And given that one little opportunity, he didn't just fly — he blasted into a completely new world like a launching rocket.
The only time I saw that child the entire weekend was when he and his new buddies stopped by the camp to grab some food or change into their swimsuits. I thought I'd miss him, and I did. I thought I would constantly fear for his safety, and I did. And I thought my heart would ache just a little bit, and it did. It ached a lot, actually.
But through the heartache and the worry, I felt an unexpected, yet delightful response: I was proud of him for trekking into a completely unfamiliar world with abandon and self-confidence. This child, who has been dealt virtually every unfair card that the universe has up its sleeve, and had taken refuge in the dark confines of online video gaming, had burst into the sunshine at the hands of two scruffy, sunburned angels on bicycles.
Even more shocking was how proud I felt of myself. Not just about the realization that I, through my own darkness, had raised this child just right enough to confidently break away from me when the occasion arose, and not just for having the strength to let him go, but for the realization that his emancipation made me happier than it did sad. Perhaps I managed to raise myself just right enough, too.
I was even OK later, when my daughter was whisked away in a maelstrom of sidewalk chalk and pickle-flavored lip gloss by the sister of my son's new friends.
This was quite a startling transformation from the new mother who cried herself to sleep at night thinking about the day her baby would grow up and leave for college.
OK, so a weekend camping excursion isn't the same as leaving the nest, but it was a pretty neat trial run. Imagine my surprise to find that I could tentatively, yet resolutely, albeit only temporarily, let go of the two things I love most in this world. Baby steps, my friend. Baby steps.
Someday, I'm going to have to let go for real, but at least now I know that even in my weakest moments, I have the capacity to grow a little bit stronger; and like the trees that sheltered my tent from the worst of the wind and rain, I know that in some distant autumn, when it's time to really let go, my children and I will all have the roots it takes to weather the storm.
Lisa Madras
Related Photos
-
-
About Lisa Madras: Lisa is the advertising dispatch at The News. She has agreed to blog about her personal pain in an effort to inspire others going through similar circumstances. She’ll share her thoughts each Monday.
Discussion
Lisa Madras: My kids are growing up — and that’s a ray of sunshine in midst of storm
- Lisa Madras
-
-
Lisa Madras: I’ve still got plenty of questions, but now I have family to help answer them
What’s something new you’ve recently learned about yourself? Oh, happy day. I've been waiting my whole life to have a great answer to this question, and now that I finally do. I can hardly believe it myself.
-
Lisa Madras: I’m kickin’ it old school — and trying to get a leg up
What lessons did you NOT learn in the classroom? Several weeks ago, I found myself stumbling around outside of my comfort zone. I'd gone to a college campus to begin working on a new degree and new direction for my life. And boy did I feel like a square peg.
-
Lisa Madras: Don’t like me? Don’t need you around, either
What have you lost interest in recently? It seems as if I lose interest in more and more things as I get older. It might seem a frightening thought at first, but really, how many trivial pursuits do we cling to that we eventually just outgrow?
-
Lisa Madras: Don’t waste your life — it’s a precious gift that’s far too short
When did you first realize that life is short? I'm sure I don't need to remind you of last week's tragedy at the Boston Marathon. The images of that horrific event have taken their place in our souls right next to those of 9/11, the Sandy Hook shooting and every other devastating event in recent history.
-
Lisa Madras: Longing for a do-over? Like scissors, it’s in your hands
If you could do it all over again, would you change anything? My kids ask me all the time if I like being a grown-up. I tell them that it has its upsides and downsides, but always think to myself, "My gosh, what I wouldn't give to be a kid again and start all over."
-
Lisa Madras: Want a brighter future? Stop living in the past
If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? I've hemmed and hawed over this question about a gazillion times, always pushing it to the bottom of my list because I could never settle on one definitive answer.
-
Lisa Madras: Forget the law, let’s break the entire system!
What makes you angry? Oh boy, is this a loaded question for me! Where do I start, and how long are you willing to read before you nod off from the sheer exhaustion of trying to finish my list?
-
Lisa Madras: What’s your special gift? Share it, don’t hide it!
What makes you so special? It cracks me up to hear this question, because when it's generally asked, there's more than a bit of snark involved.
-
Lisa Madras: You know what burns me up? A passion!
What gives your life meaning? On the surface, it's tempting to list all the obvious things: your family, your job, your volunteer work. These things all give our lives meaning, but deep down inside each of us there's a burning.
-
Lisa Madras: I made it to my year of catharsis, and you will, too
How would you describe the past year of your life in one sentence? "The past year of my life has been cathartic." That's my easy one-sentence summary. I've been waiting to say that for such a long time. And boy, does it feel good.
- More Lisa Madras Headlines
-
