NEW CASTLE —
Last week, we asked ourselves how we wanted the world to be different because we're in it.
This week, the question is reversed: How do we want to be different because we lived in this world?
I told you before that I read this entire list of questions whenever I need to remind myself to stay on course in my life. Actually writing about each one like I have been has been more cathartic than I ever knew it would be, and has made me fully realize the importance of each one. This one always seemed a trifle "fluffy" to me until I sat down and thought about it. Oddly, it now seems to be perhaps the most important, at least to me.
You may also remember me mentioning in my first couple of blogs that I've been though a ridiculous amount of trauma in the past few years. It really bothers me that I can't share the specifics of it with you, but my hands are tied due to the fact that one of the incidents is still working its way through the legal system (with little hope of justice in sight, I might add), and my own selfish need to keep some aspects of my private life, well ... private.
What you do know, or are about to know, is that this whole honey-nut-cluster of unfortunate events began three years ago with my husband's suicide. I'd never in a million years imagined that I'd become a widow at the age of 36, and the sole caretaker of an 8-year-old and a 3-year-old. And unfortunately, that was just the beginning of a whole barrel-full of bad luck, none of which, oddly, even had anything to do with the first.
I felt like I was doing the best I could for a long time, pulling on reserves of strength that I'd thankfully built up somewhere along the way, and falling back on the numbness of shock every once in a while to give my overburdened spirit a break.
I tried not to use my situation as an excuse, but deep down inside I was angry at everyone else for having the things I no longer had: a husband, parents, a nice home, someone to love them, someone to give them a hand with something, ANYTHING. I didn't, and still really don't, get the luxury of having an off switch. Full-time employee at The News plus full-time caretaker of my kids equaled me feeling like a beat-up old workhorse. The burden was even harder on my soul than it was on my body.
Thankfully, I had friends to complain to, friends who listened to me boo-hoo and feel sorry for myself, who listened to me rant and rave, who did their best to distract me and tell me that everything was going to be OK.
Until the day my friend, Emma, who listened to me bellyache on a regular basis, looked me square in the eye, and said, "My fear for you is that you'll always use being a victim as an excuse."
I promised her that day (which was sometime early in 2011) that I'd set a date for myself to have my life on track: 11/11/11. In true Emma fashion, she made me make the promise into a digital voice recorder. (I'm not entirely sure, but I suspect she might have actually beaten me with that recorder had I not stuck to my word.)
The point is, even though I truly thought I wasn't, I had let the circumstances of my life turn me into a victim. Looking back now, I don't think I'd change that. We all need time to grieve, and the healing process has to have a chance to unfold. But when the time is right, we need to be able to choose how we want to be different because we lived in this world.
Beginning in 2011, and continuing through 2012, and hopefully for the rest of my life, I choose to honor and respect the victim that I was, but to tuck her safely away in place where she can longer hurt me, but that I can draw on her experiences to make my life and the lives of those I love a better and kinder and more tender place to be.
Happy, happy, happy new year to my wonderful readers and friends. I tend to think New Year's resolutions are a little cheesy, but hey, it's as good a jumping off point as any, right? So if this is your time, remember that it's when you're completely bent and broken that you have the best opportunity to piece yourself back together into an even better shape.
Lisa Madras
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About Lisa Madras: Lisa is the advertising dispatch at The News. She has agreed to blog about her personal pain in an effort to inspire others going through similar circumstances. She’ll share her thoughts each Monday.
Discussion
Lisa Madras: Yes, I am a victim but it’s time to move forward
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