New Castle News

September 27, 2012

Tim Kolodziej: This presidential election is keeping me up at night

Tim Kolodziej
New Castle News

NEW CASTLE — What if entertainers changed the way they market their music ...


Adam Levine takes a swig from his water bottle.

The star of “The Voice” is exhausted after criss-crossing the country to promote his new album. This is his fourth press conference today.

He adjusts his V-neck T-shirt and smiles toward his latest questioner.

“Listen. You’ve heard the last three CDs from Lady Gaga. Do you really want your music to go in THAT direction?”

“But Adam,” the tall blonde from ABC interjects. “I asked you to talk about the playlist from YOUR new release.”

Levine winks at his publicist.

“I’ll say it one more time. Lady Gaga doesn’t want to inspire you with her music. She wants no part of you bettering yourself and jamming to her songs while you work. She only wants you to lay on your bed and zone out for the next four years. That way, she stays in power.

“Really, is that what you want, America?” Levine asks no one in particular. “I believe we are better than that.”

What if football coaches — who NEVER say bad things about their opponents — started to think differently ...

“This is the Dan Patrick Show and we’re here with Coach Mike Tomlin of the Pittsburgh Steelers. So, Coach, tell me about that new offense you guys are running.”

“Well, Dan, it’s like this. The Ravens are just a bunch of whiny millionaire football players who are out of touch with reality,” Tomlin replies. “And I mean that. Did you see John Harbaugh’s wife at the last game? She had $500 shoes on!”

Patrick shrugs his shoulders and gives his producer, McLovin, a bemused look.

“Maybe the audio was bad. Let’s try again, Mike. Tell us about the Steelers new emphasis on the running ga ...”

Tomlin interrupts before Patrick can finish his question.

“How anyone could even THINK of rooting for the Ravens is beyond me! Just a bunch wealthy phonies who don’t care about the middle class ticket buyers! They only cater to the richest one percent of fans!”

“Besides,” Tomlin continues, “Art Modell screwed up TWO franchises back in the day with his ‘trickle-down’ draft strategy, and we’re still trying to clean up the mess.”

“Uh ... OK, Mike,” Patrick responds. “Good luck against Baltimore on Sunday.”

What if normally gracious entertainment interviews turned ugly ...

The limo pulls up to the red carpet and George Clooney emerges from the backseat.

Ryan Seacrest lifts a microphone squarely in front of the actor’s chiseled jaw, but Clooney can’t hear his question over the shrieks of the young ladies along the rope.

“George, George!” Seacrest shouts. “Tell us about your performance in ‘The Descendants.’ Why should you get the best actor award over Brad Pitt in ‘Moneyball?’ ”

“Have you seen Pitt in ‘Moneyball?’ Clooney responds. “C’mon, man!”

Clooney fails to make eye contact with Seacrest as he smiles for cell phone photos from the crowd.

“I mean, Pitt was atrocious. Four years of his so-called acting was enough. I’ll never understand how his career lasted eight years. Americans are hated all over the world because of some films he’s made.”

Seacrest is baffled but plays along.

“So let me get this straight, George. You think you deserve to get the Oscar by default. You don’t want The Academy to judge YOUR performance and record. Instead, you want them to focus on what you believe is bad about the OTHER guy.”


“Isn’t that sort of slimy and immature? Isn’t that a LACK of leadership?” Seacrest asks.

“Maybe,” Clooney says. “But it works.”

What if ...

Wow! What a bizarre and scary dream. I was just flipping back and forth between CNN and Fox News before I fell asleep. I don’t know how my brain chain connected the presidential campaign with those three scenarios.

Hmm. I know it’s crazy, but I have to ask: Could you actually imagine a nation electing its leaders like that?

Nah, me neither.