NEW CASTLE —
My house is very clean and neat.
My children are well-groomed.
My closet is semi-organized.
My purse is an atrocity.
I will admit, I have always kept a messy purse.
It’s not just the kind of messy that makes it hard to find things in. It’s the kind of messy that makes it impossible.
Never will you hear me utter the words, “Can you go grab (random item) out of my purse for me?”
You will never hear me say this, because I know that this is a request beyond your capabilities as a normal human being. You will never find the item that I am requesting and this will cause me great duress (and probably make you want to stab me with a fork), so I will not even ask you to attempt it.
I am not sure why I have such a messy purse. I like to tell myself that it’s because I don’t litter, but this is obviously not the entire cause of the clutter.
I always have such good intentions with handbags. I buy them, they are new and shiny and clean and for about three weeks they stay like this, but then my hectic lifestyle gets the best of me and I begin to fill my purse with junk. I once weighed my bag on the animal scale at the vet’s office. My cat weighed seven pounds, and my purse weighed nine.
Today I cleaned my purse and I would like to share with you its contents.
Oh, and remember — it’s OK to judge.
Among the items in my purse, are:
The entire makeup counters of Sephora, Walgreens and CVS.
Four baby diapers in three different sizes.
Three cotton balls.
Two half eaten bags of sour patch kids.
Four nail files.
Thirteen black pens.
Nail Clippers, deodorant, toothpaste and various other person hygiene products.
A wireless Internet Modem (I’ve been meaning to get that out of there).
Enough gum wrappers to make a life-size origami statue of Mount Rushmore.
Seventeen children’s hairties.
Twelve children’s hairbows.
Two pairs of winter gloves.
White athletic socks.
Three plastic jars of pretend baby food.
Two babydoll arms.
Two portable cell phone chargers.
Various pencils, markers and bits of crayons.
Scrabble, the board game.
Six bottles of nail polish.
And a partridge in a pear tree.