New Castle News
NEW CASTLE —
I am grateful that I am not a man for many reasons, most of which I do not care to write about.
However, the most dominant reason that I am glad to be a female is that as a woman I am not susceptible to a very silent, very deadly affliction. It is currently taking hold of millions of men around the world. It is so prominent that someone you know is undoubtedly being affected right this very minute.
What is this harrowing disease I speak of?
And yes, it is spelled out in all caps, because it is JUST THAT HORRID.
Some of you may be wondering what exactly the MANCOLD is, and so I will outline the signs and symptoms for you here.
Readers beware, this could get kind of graphic. Read at your own risk.
Symptom 1 — A an apocalyptic-like feeling or sense of gloom and pending doom. Think the movie “Armageddon” meets a Nyquil commercial. Every time you blow your nose, you will worry that you are causing irreversible damage of some kind. You will voice these feelings to female loved ones. They will not understand your fears. At all.
Symptom 2 — The sudden inability/desire to reach the television remote, move dishes from table to kitchen, change baby diapers, dress children, do anything at all with children. Some of the signs will present themselves in a very intense way. You also may feel the need to lie under a blanket on the couch for many many hours. This is normal. This is part of the sickness.
Symptom 3 — Ravenous appetite. One might think that during physical illness the desire to eat or ability to become hungry dissipates, however with the MANCOLD your appetite will soar to new heights, you will become physically unable to become satisfied. You will require a special diet of chicken soup, McDonald’s and Neapolitan ice cream sandwiches. Some people will question your ability to eat during such a physically taxing time. You will assure them that its all part of the disease.
And last, but MOST important:
Symptom 4 — Unlike the common cold, the MANCOLD is unable to be passed along to females. They will never experience the MANCOLD in its complete presentation. They may experience what they perceive to be symptoms of the MANCOLD, but these symptoms will always be lesser in intensity and will require little to no treatment or special attention.
Females will not experience the fatigue, ravenous appetite or lethargy that the males will. They will have an abundance of energy and desire to engage in normal daily activities. They will know that the cold will go away. Females will only experience very slight variations of the milder symptoms. They will essentially feel glorious. They will tell their male loved ones that they do not feel glorious but the males will not understand. At all.
Boy, am I glad to be a female. That MANCOLD sounds pretty darn gruesome.