New Castle News

Kali-Davies Anderson

May 20, 2014

Kali Davies-Anderson: I’m in no shape to make a summer splash

NEW CASTLE — Summer is quickly approaching (at least we HOPE it is) and that meant it was time for me to do the unthinkable: Shop for a bathing suit.

Sure, I have a couple already, but two pregnancies later and things don’t seem to, errr, sit where they used to.

So, on Saturday morning I trekked out in rain and hail in search of a swimsuit for the summer season.

Last year I made the mistake of ordering one online (a couple of weeks after giving birth) and was less than pleased with how it fit. I kept it with the hopes that one day it would fit better, but I am still waiting for that to happen.

This year, I decided to just shop at a local department store.

At first things were looking up; tons of bathing suits to choose from and all on sale.

Win.

I decided to grab a variety of choices to take into the dressing room.

Bikinis, monokinis, one-piece, two-piece, three-piece — the options seemed endless.

As I trudged to the dressing room with my pile of skimpily designed water gear, I decided on my two favorites: a teal two-piece with high-waisted bottoms (apparently back in style) and a colorful bikini with a thick waist band.

My first complaint of the experience is regarding the fluorescent lighting in the dressing rooms.

WHY do department stores think that people want their bumps and flaps illuminated under ball park white lights?

Horrifying.

I don’t care who you are or how fit you are, those lights will find your problem area(s) and put them on blast.

I think stores should use mirrors like they have at haunted houses. You know, the ones that make you look taller and thinner. I’ll bet they would sell more bathing suits if they did.

Once I got past the frightening display of flesh under the lights, I began trying suits on.

The first one looked so cute on the hanger, somewhat modest even.

LIES.

I don’t know if women actually purchase bikini bottoms that are only two inches in diameter, but I think they should be outlawed.

And that thick waist that looked like it would be so flattering?

Imagine what a latex balloon looks like when you fill it with water, squeeze it tightly in the center and shake it.

NEXT.

Still having flashbacks of the tiny bikini, I set my sights on the high-waisted teal suit.

The top fits nicely. Snug and yet comfortable.

Things are looking up.

Then come the bottoms.

(Cue the “Jaws” theme song)

Sure, the waist is higher than the others, but one must note that they are also tighter around the thigh area. I had them on for 27 seconds and they left a mark on my leg.

Oh, and the view from the back?

Think SpongeBob SquarePants meets IHOP pancakes.

Just when I began feeling like there was no hope, I decided to take one last stroll around the “Swim Shop,” hoping that I had missed something.

That’s when I spotted it.

The most beautiful invention the swim world has ever seen.

The SWIMDRESS.

Yes, you read that correctly. It is a one-piece bathing suit with a tiny little skirt attached.

It is a very retro looking suit, much like those worn in the 1940s and ’50s.

Those ladies had the right idea.

After trying it on, I fell in love (well, as much in love as I can be with a bathing suit).

No water balloon, no pancake, and actually fairly flattering.

Yes, bathing suit shopping can be a harrowing experience (and it was). But, thanks to the resurrection of the swimdress for young people, I can now have my cake and hide it, too.

 

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