New Castle News

Gary Church

April 30, 2013

Gary Church: It’s spring, so it’s time to come clean on all my junk

NEW CASTLE — Last Monday started off normal.

I shaved, showered, and shampooed as usual.

We had breakfast and read the paper as we normally do.

Without any problem, I finished the word scramble, and worked the crossword puzzle.

As I finished the puzzle, that's when things began to unravel.

My wife brought my fan to me and said, "Clean this!"

I had been meaning to do that for some period of time.

The fan runs 24 hours a day, and it may have collected a little dust.

You could still tell what color it was, if you scraped some of the residue off.

I thanked my wife for her gentle reminder and went to the kitchen to clean it.

While there, she came out with my cassette tape case.

She said she was going to throw it away.

I could not believe my ears.

That cassette box has been under the dresser for 15 years. It doesn't bother anyone.

Company never sees it. Why, all of a sudden, would she want to toss it out?

That's when it hit me.

I was about to go through a man's worst nightmare.

She was starting her spring cleaning.

This means everything of mine that is not glued down, suddenly just disappears.

I opened the cassette case and in it were all of my Merle Haggard tapes.

How can you just throw Merle in the garbage like that?

Thanks to my quick thinking, I came up with a plan to take the tapes out of the case, relocate them, and throw the case away.

This ingenious plot worked.

Now I'm afraid to leave the house.

Who knows what else she might throw away?

I have a wonderful hat collection that she's just itching to get her hands on.

Just because I never wear them is no reason to throw them away.

The numbered painting, which I did as a kid, should be hung in an art museum, not decorating a landfill.

In day one of the spring cleaning event, three garbage bags were filled and removed from the premises.

The scary part is, she cleaned only the right side corner of the bedroom.

She's in there again today!

Friends, should I come up missing, please call Tri-County Refuse right away, and have them check their dump site.

Have them look for a black garbage bag, with a guy in it wearing a Gary the Grower hat, and listening to Merle Haggard tapes.

I'm sure my dog will appreciate it.


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Gary Church
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