New Castle News

Gary Church

July 10, 2012

Gary Church: Why are my shorts so long? And what’s up with the straps?

NEW CASTLE — For Father's Day, my daughter got me a nice pair of shorts. You should see how "hip" I look in them.

They do bring up some questions that I have.

When and why did men shorts start getting longer?

They cover my knees.

The last thing I remember buying that long were the Calypso pants back in the 1960s.

Yes, I looked "hip" in those also. I remember them being red.

I thought shorts were meant to leave as much skin allowable in the open, so you could keep cool, but what do I know?

Now they're down to the knees.

There is one other thing about the shorts (which I look “hip” in) that I don't understand.

The waist on the outside is normal. There are belt loops so I can hold my shorts up and not get arrested.

It's the inside straps that I'm not sure what to do with.

It was suggested to me they are for tightening or loosening the shorts.

I'm old fashioned, but isn't that what the belt is for?

Now let's say I'm at a buffet, and I may eat a few more ribs than I should have.

If I wanted to loosen my shorts a little, I would have to undo the belt, unfasten the button, lower the zipper ever so slightly, and untie and retie the straps.

Then I would raise the zipper back to its proper height, fasten the button, and redo the belt.

I feel that if I did this in a restaurant, I would get ugly looks and be asked not to come back by the owner.

It's too bad that some lady in Bangladesh had to go to all that trouble to put straps inside my pants, even though I’ll never use them.

I suppose if I were camping, and a bear was going to attack me, I could remove my shorts, hold them by the straps, and twirl them around over my head to scare the bear off.

On the other hand, just taking my shorts off ought to be enough to scare most anything away.

 

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