New Castle News

October 5, 2012

Gary Church: My wife’s colonoscopy was a pain in the butt — for me

Gary Church
New Castle News

NEW CASTLE — My fellow graduate Bill Wise has been encouraging me to write a book.

I don't feel I'm ready for that big undertaking yet, so I thought I would start out with something a little smaller, like a pamphlet.

There just isn't a lot of information out there on what one should do when their mate is preparing for a colonoscopy.

I feel I should correct that.

The colonoscopy is no big deal, so we will skip that part.

Preparation Day, on the other hand, is a little more complicated.

This is not the day to start your bathroom remodeling project. If you could plan on being out of town, that's better yet.

The first thing on the agenda is purchasing the Halflytely and Bisacodyl Tablet Bowel Prep Kit.

You can clean your whole bathroom for $4, but this stuff costs over $60.

I found it is not a good idea to tell your mate that a tray full of brownies would do the same thing.

The patient is not allowed anything to eat the day before the procedure.

I can't find it written anywhere that the mate, not having the procedure, can't eat either.

This may cause some tension when there is nothing in the house to eat.

When you mix the solution, it makes a half gallon of icky stuff you have to drink.

Then they tell you that you must drink an eight-ounce glass of it, every 10 minutes.

The mate, not taking the stuff, should sit gently by and remind the patient that the 10 minutes are up.

They really appreciate you getting involved in this delicate task. Just make sure there are no weapons in the house.

The first two glasses go down fairly easy. The next four may be a little more difficult.

I really feel God will forgive all the things you call the doctor who ordered the test as you down the final two glasses of this junk.

One more thing. After they have drunk the one half gallon of HalfLytely, this is not a good time to get romantic with them.

The jury will probably sympathize with the patient ... and all vote “not guilty.”