New Castle News

Gary Church

October 26, 2012

Gary Church: If it’s free, I may join a fitness center — but only if I can take my fast food

NEW CASTLE — I hope my mind gets cleansed from what is popping into my head.

I'm thinking about joining a fitness place.

My insurance company has informed me that I can have a free membership at Anytime Fitness.

This scares me a little. I've never been inside one of those workout joints.

I don't think I would have a clue on what to do, once I got there.

Do you just sit down at a machine and press "Start?"

What if it goes real fast and I can't turn it off? Can I pull the plug?

How do you decide what machine to get on. Are there signs that say, "This machine is for lard butts who want a smaller tush."

What about the chest muscles. Do they ask, "Is your chest getting bigger than your wife's?"

Once you decide on a machine, do you have to put a quarter in it to get it to work?

Do they have a coin machine?

Of course the biggest question would be, "What should I wear?" I have no workout clothes at all.

I have so many questions, I would probably need a trainer and a tailor.

But they would be a pain in the neck.

I just want to go in, exercise for five minutes, and head out for Dunkin Donuts.

A trainer would want me to stay longer, but I'm a thoughtful guy and I would want to free the machine up for others to use.

And what if I exercise too much?

I'll become a hunk and people will only notice me for my body, not my mind.

My doctor has recommended that I shed a few pounds, like 100 of them.

That's hard to do sitting on the patio eating Big Macs. Believe me, I've tried.

Joining the fitness place might work, but it is still in the thinking stage. I may try it, since it's free.

It would have been much nicer if the insurance company would have given me a free membership to Disney World.

Isn't walking around there considered exercise?


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Gary Church
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