New Castle News

June 4, 2013

Gary Church: Geez, my wife’s retired but there’s still plenty of work — for me!

Gary Church
New Castle News

NEW CASTLE — Since my wife's retirement, there seems to be an increase in our conflicts around the house.

I try not to do too many household chores, but I do a few.

Washing and ironing my own clothes is one of them.

The reason is, my wife thinks washing one load of clothes should be an all-day marathon.

My way is to attend to the washer or dryer within 20 seconds of when it shuts off.

This way, my shirts are not as wrinkled as they might be, if they are “aged” in the dryer.

Another thing I do on rare occasions is wipe the kitchen table if I have spilled something.

I didn't know until last week that I do not do it to my wife’s specifications.

She told me to let her do the wiping up.

Sometimes when I open a new gallon of milk, I may spill a few drops while trying to pour it.

I have always assumed that getting a paper towel and sopping it up was the correct procedure.

This is not the case.

I would tell you the correct way to wipe up the table but I don't know what she does different from the way I do it.

A lot of our differences are escalating.

Take my shoes, for instance.

I'm sort of like a fireman. When the police scanner announces there is a fire or wreck, I must leave immediately to take photos for The News.

There is no time for me to inquire, "Where did you put my shoes this time?"

I feel in my heart that my eight pairs of shoes should be in a semi-circle in front of my chair.

The controversy comes when she has to run the sweeper.

She then hides all my important stuff that I have assembled close to me.

I have politely asked her, "DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF!"

This goes on deaf ears.

Also, now that she's home all day, she has taken over some of my former responsibilities.

I no longer control the phone or the TV remote.

She has cut off my allowance.

The only way I have any money is by getting tips for my male dancing, and that isn't going very well.

I guess there should be a training manual for couples when they both retire.

This would designate territorial boundaries and what each person is allowed to touch.

Yes, I'm thinking about writing it.

It will probably get the Pulitzer Prize for preventing recently retired folks from shooting each other.

Plus, I might make a little extra change to supplement my dancing income.