New Castle News

Gary Church

November 15, 2013

Gary Church: Here’s a tall tale that weighs heavily on me

NEW CASTLE — I'm at the age where my body is starting to go down hill a bit.

One thing that is still in good working condition is my ability to gain weight.

For that reason, I recently had to break down and purchase a few shirts that I could actually button.

To make room for them, I had to get rid of my smaller-size shirts.

Being the kind-hearted guy that I am, I mentioned to my wife that I was going to donate my old shirts to the homeless.

This caused Miss Negativity to make some wise-crack comments to yours truly.

With her nagging Alice Cramden voice she replied, "Your shirts won't fit any homeless person! Have you ever seen a 6-4 guy who weighed 300 pounds walking around town who was homeless?"

She may have a point there.

But what she doesn't know is, I was donating my 3XLT-shirts so they could be used as tents.

There has never been any explanation as to why I'm so big.

My dad was 5-6 and weighed 140 pounds. Mom was smaller than that.

Of all my relatives on both sides of the family, I'm the biggest.

The only logical answer I ever heard was, Mom always wanted a 6-foot tall child.

Well, she got one!

I never asked her how much she wished her 6-foot tall son would weigh, or why she didn't wish for a rich 6-foot tall son.

I don't mind being bigger than most people, but it does have some downsides to it.

None of the latest fads in clothes are ever available in my size.

If I danced with a woman to the song, "Put your head on my shoulder," she would have to be on stilts to reach it.

No one ever sits directly behind me in an auditorium.

I've heard that you start shrinking when you get older.

Since I'm still gaining weight, I guess that means I'm still young.

Who knew?


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Gary Church
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