New Castle News

Gary Church

April 20, 2012

Gary Church: Coconut? Really? Don’t even get me started!

NEW CASTLE — I have been taught that it is not good to hate.

For this reason, I have narrowed the list of things I hate down to just one. I do have several things on my “dislikes list,” though.

I dislike the aluminum safety seal they put on the top of my International Delight coffee creamer.

I've tried everything and I just can't peel it off. I always end up poking a hole in the top with my spoon.

The company needs to work on that problem.

Most of you will join me in my next dislike, which is tramping in doggy doo doo.

Those little puppies look so cute when you get them.

I just wish they would come with a warning on their collar. A simple, "This dog poops," might make someone think twice before taking it home.

Another dislike I have, along with my neighbors, is when I carry something heavy to the car. More than once, my pants have fallen down while carrying it.

At least I haven't been arrested for it yet.

So, what is the one thing that I really, really hate?

Yes, it's the worst tasting thing that was ever put on this planet — coconut.

I don't think there is anything worse than taking a bite of chocolate candy, thinking it is a vanilla cream, and finding out it is coconut.

Many times I've spit it out, and tried to wash my mouth out with something that tastes better, like gasoline or cow urine.

I have always hated coconuts.

Oh, how I remember as a young lad when my mother would buy my dad those Hostess Coconut Cakes for his lunch.

The chocolate cupcakes were right beside them. Why couldn't she get them instead? I would have liked to eat one of those myself.

No fear of that with the crappy coconut things.

You would think with all the blights going around, coconut trees would get one of them, but they don't.

A lot of people make their living from growing and selling coconuts. Perhaps the government could just retrain them, if all the trees died.

How nice it would be if you didn't have to go through life living in fear, whenever you looked at a piece of pie.

A person could get ulcers fretting about whether it is banana cream or coconut cream.

If I would ever get elected to Congress I would enact a law stipulating that each piece of coconut cream pie should have a 3-foot neon sign, telling everyone what it is.

It has taken a lot of work, on my part, to narrow my list of hates down to just one.

I had to come clean and move celery over to the dislike list.

That was tough.


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Gary Church
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