New Castle News

Gary Church

July 11, 2014

Gary Church: Better XYZ — and make it PDQ — or you might get tagged

NEW CASTLE — I was sitting in church on Sunday when Rita and Tom came in and sat a few rows ahead of me.

Rita is perfect.

She walks perfect, talks perfect, sings perfect, smiles perfect, her hair is always perfect, and she dresses perfect.

But this Sunday was different.

Her dress tag was showing on the back of her neck.

I wanted to tell her, but I was two rows back and couldn't reach her.

When the service was over, I started to leap over the pews to warn her about the tag.

Didn't some other dude beat me to it?

It was tucked in before I got to see what size she wore, and the washing instructions.

When her husband found out, he knew he was in deep trouble.

His job is to make sure nothing is out of order on Rita.

He said, "I'll hear about this the rest of the day."

My wife never checks to see if I'm put together correctly.

On several occasions, when I've left the house, I've felt a breeze where I shouldn't feel one.

So far, I've been lucky and caught it.

Unfortunately, my brother Bill wasn't so lucky.

At my nephew’s funeral, he came in and faced everyone who was sitting down.

When I noticed a part of his clothing was at half mast, I lost it.

I just wanted him to sit down, but he kept talking to everyone.

I may have snickered a few times, while trying to get him to be seated.

There are alarms for when you don't buckle up. There are smoke alarms, and air raid warnings.

Why can't they come up with an alarm to sound when you have a wardrobe malfunction?

This would save a lot of husbands from getting beaten over the head, for not noticing that a slip was hanging.

I bet Tom would buy one, just to keep him out of the dog house.

I might get one myself.

Frostbite is a terrible thing.

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