New Castle News

November 9, 2012

Gary Church: So, how’s the bathroom remodeling going? I’m scraping by

Gary Church
New Castle News

NEW CASTLE — Things aren't going so well with my part of the bathroom remodeling.

I really thought removing the wallpaper would be easy.

I got the top layer off without much hassle.

It would have been kind had the bottom layer, with the glue on it, come off as well.

It didn't.

I'm now scraping each inch, several hundred times.

In fact, the only time I am not in the bathroom scraping is when I take time off to write about being in the bathroom scraping.

Yes, I've tried everything there is to aid in this venture. Nothing takes the glue off easily.

I'm beginning to think that all the fumes are starting to affect my mental status.

The songs I sing during this task have gone from songs of joy and happiness, to songs of death and destruction.

Then there is the paint thing. I thought I had all figured out.

I got on a website where you can paint the bathroom online, to see how your color combination looks.

I painted the most beautiful bathroom ever — online, that is.

If there is some kind of reward for picking the worst color of paint in the history of the world, I just won it.

It looked so pretty on the computer.

Just in case, I bought the little sample jars first, and applied them to a few small areas.

The orange I picked turned out to be a dark reddish orange that was despicable.

It looked like I had just axed 30 people to death in my bathroom.

The beige I chose to go with it, according to my wife, "looks like cement."

In addition, the paint didn't cover up the defects underneath.

At this point, my bathroom looks like an abandoned slaughterhouse.

After several days of questioning our mental state for choosing wallpaper, way back when, I see why we did it.

It hid a lot of holes, places where we removed tile, and a couple of bodies.

I think I'm going to start having my meals delivered to the bathroom, and also see if I can hook up my computer in there.

That way, I'll never have to leave my scraping.

Should you see my wife at gas stations a lot, it's because I'm refusing bathroom admittance to anyone.

If all else fails, I have a great idea about purchasing blindfolds for everyone who uses our potty.

That would save me a lot of work, and also keep the CSI agents from showing up, trying to identify all that red stuff on the wall.