New Castle News

October 12, 2012

Gary Church: My mower envy cuts so deep I may get all wister-ical

Gary Church
New Castle News

NEW CASTLE — My first concern with the new guy was: what kind of riding mower does he have?

The old Mike's mower wasn't as big or as powerful as mine, plus I had a cup holder. His didn't.

This gave me a little feeling of superiority when we were mowing at the same time.

It didn't make any difference that I never used it. If we were cutting grass at the same time, I'd get an empty cup, just to place it there.

One night as I was chatting with the new neighbors, the subject of riding mowers came up.

The new Mike told me he has a lawn mowing service and cuts grass after work. He then told me how much he paid for his mower.

A true statement: it was more than I paid for my house!

Now, instead of feeling superior, I have to cut my grass in disguise while he is at work.

I don't want him to know my mower is not as good as his.

The one he has is a zero-turn mower, and I know he goes about 80 mph when he flies past my lawn chair.

Neshannock Police could make a few extra bucks if they would set up a radar gun in my yard.

The mower isn't my only problem.

There is the new deluxe snow blower that I bought last winter.

I made sure mine was bigger and had more gadgets than my old neighbor Mike's cheapo snow blower.

The new Mike has a pickup truck with a snow plow on it. I'm sure that cost more than my house, too.

I guess I'll need a disguise for winter, too.

On the other hand, maybe he will plow my driveway for me, and I can just stay inside drinking hot chocolate.

I still hold a little edge on gardening knowledge over him and his wife.

I recently asked, "How far back did you cut the wisteria?"

They replied, "What wisteria?"

My response was, "The one growing on your pool fence."

Rochelle got a concerned look and said, "We thought that was a weed and cut it to the ground!"

I guess if I ever catch Mike giving a pitiful look at my mower, I'll just ask him, "How is your wisteria doing? Ha ha ha!"

It's always good to have an edge.