New Castle News

November 23, 2012

Gary Church: My starring role in dinner theater of the absurd

Gary Church
New Castle News

NEW CASTLE — I went to a very nice dinner theater a few weeks ago that my niece directs in Hermitage.

Being I have some pull, I get great seats. I plop down at the center table, right in front of the stage.

This particular evening, there were two younger ladies that I had never met, sitting at our table next to me.

While I was introducing myself, several family members apologized to the girls for having to sit by me.

The only remark I had made was, "My name is Gary."

My second remark, I think, got the girl a little nervous.

I politely asked her, "What color is your bathroom?"

She looked a little surprised and responded, "No one has ever asked me that before."

This brought more apologies from my family at the table.

She finally responded that it was peach.

The food was served promptly at 6, so that brought an end to the conservation, at least for a few minutes.

When I finished eating I noticed her friend. 

She was just a split second behind me downing her food.

The rest of the table was still buttering their bread, but the other female and I were having our plates taken away.

I thought, "This is my kind of woman!"

I looked at her and asked, "If I get a divorce, will you marry me?"

You don't know what it's like spending most of your life waiting on others, such as my wife, to finish eating.

This girl was utterly amazing.

She told me her husband probably would not like the idea very much.

I told her I was in awe of her eating speed.

Again more apologies from the rest of the table.

A few minutes later, I found out she was a physician’s assistant for a urologist, and we started to bond.

I think the others at the table were starting to lose their appetite, when we started chatting about my medical problems.

She knew all the big words to identify everything that was wrong with me.

A few more apologies from the fam, and the play started.

My niece Linda's dinner theater is a yearly event.

I think my family is requesting that next year, I sit at a table for two, somewhere way in the back.

I can't help it that I'm such a sociable guy.