NEW CASTLE —
If I some how stumbled upon a dusty old lamp, a magical wishing well or Leprechaun, and was offered the opportunity to make three wishes, what would I wish for?
Would I be prepared to make such a life-changing decision at the drop of a hat?
I seriously doubt that any genie worth a grain of salt will let me take his business card and get back to him after I have run all the numbers, compared depreciation trends and tax situations.
That is why I intend to be prepared for just such an odd occasion. Laugh now, but I have seen nearly every cartoon character get outsmarted or make some vital error in their choices. I will not let myself be reduced to the manic level of Daffy Duck.
If I learned anything from my countless Saturday mornings in front of the TV, it would be that there are a plethora of ways to waste a wish. The cliché wishes, such as immortality and a million dollars always seemed to be riddled with imperfection or some terrible repercussion. Immortality always leads to a miserable life, full of the loss of your loved ones and no real place in society. A wish for a million dollar leads to some sort of adverse effect related to the origins of the money.
One could choose the route of trickery and wish for unlimited wishes or the ability to be the genie's master. But that would just be cheating and I'm sure any respectable wish granter would quickly call shenanigans.
I believe my first wish would be for musical ability that borders on the inhuman. I'm talking about musical prowess and immediately understanding of melody, rhythm and sound. Coupled with the ability to perform music to grasp and move people’s emotions. Artistry that transcends musical genera and conjures the thought that “he must have sold his soul for this.”
My second wish would be that every time I spend any amount of money that it would immediately be replaced with that same amount. This would include both cash and debit purchases and have no limits to the amount of occurrences nor carry any tax ramifications.
For my third and final wish I want to make it count. I could wish for life-long protection, so nothing bad would happen to me or perhaps that my other wishes would not be governed by any outside rules or parameters. Perhaps I could wish for the removal of all the bad people from the planet, but I fear that the moment I make that wish that I would disappear, too.
My last wish would have to be that people believe every word I say no matter how outlandish my statement may be. It would be better than any Jedi mind tricks and would be such a useful skill in almost all facets of life.
Imagine being pulled over by a cop, looking him in the the eye and saying I was only going 55 and he says OK and leaves you alone. Or in any court situation and you are taken for your word no questions asked. Better yet, the dog ate my homework story will always be believed and your wife would never question your rationale, because you are always right. What could be better?
Now that I have that I have successfully applied cartoon logic to my real life I'm off to concur my Zombie Apocalypse kit.
Josh Drespling
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About Josh Drespling: Josh is a former graphic designer at The News. His blog appears each Saturday.
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