NEW CASTLE —
My alarm clock and I have a special relationship. I hate it, and it knows it. There is a bit of dependence, but still I loathe its very existence. I smack it around and neglect it on a regular basis.
If it were a woman or child I would be immediately charged with battery.
In my defense, this device is an enabler. It so willingly offers that tempting snooze button, as if it is asking for me to deviate from my noble intentions. If it doesn’t want me to notice its “features” then it should not flaunt them like that. Putting those “features” only inches from my face as I cradle my soft pillow while teetering on the edge of consciousness, is pure torture and borderline obscene.
If this pile of plastic and circuits had any respect for me, it would not dare tempt me so. If it cared in the least about my well-being, it would not interrupt my peaceful slumber. It would not destroy my moments of unconscious bliss with its red glowing face. Nor would it challenge my dominance or hold such contempt for my supremacy.
I know it lies in silence, waiting for the opportune moment to unload its full frontal attack on my peace of mind. It waits patiently to exact its revenge in our ongoing battle of wits and brawn. This battle that we have waged for countless years has seen both me and my inanimate foe as the victor.
My alarm predictably deploys a cowardly sneak attack under the cover of darkness. This formidable attack is often launched in the wee hours of the morn, just as the sun begins to crack the cold, dark sky.
The screeching and ungodly howling of my alarm's battle cry resonates throughout the house, across the valley, and through the neighboring forest, jarring the dead from their graves and sending every last woodland creature scurrying to safety.
In spite of my enemy's best effort, the bellowing it produces is soon extinguished with the use of one of its alluring features. Though the snooze button could have only been spawned from the depths of Hades, it has become my constant and trustworthy friend. This simple, yet useful button has bought me another nine minutes of treasured sleep. But the more this ally is called upon, the more of an enemy it becomes. It quickly switches its allegiance from the side of good to that of the atrocious alarm clock.
Soon its blood-curdling cry will ring out again, signaling the onset of yet another battle between me and this deplorable object.
Eventually, I will fall victim to my anger and smother this being with my pillow, ending its reign of terror. Perhaps I can douse it with water and destroy its inner workings. Maybe I can cut off its power supply, thus permanently ending its miserable existence. Until then, I shall wage a valiant war against this great evil that has beseeched my bedroom and every other bedroom in America.
Until this conflict has reached its end, I will fight and continue to be 10 minutes late for work each day and every day.
Josh Drespling
Related Photos
-
About Josh Drespling: Josh is a former graphic designer at The News. His blog appears each Saturday.
Discussion
Josh Drespling: By the time I win my daily battle with alarm clock, it’s too late — and so am I
- Josh Drespling
-
-
Josh Drespling: Breakfast for dinner? Yep, as long as I’m makin’ bacon!
A while back I was rummaging through the kitchen tying to figure out what to make for dinner. My daughter was in the the other room complaining that she was hungry and my wife was echoing with the usual, “What are you doing for dinner?”
-
Josh Drespling: Students get a summer vacation — what about parents?
About nine months ago, we parents were all prepared to attack the new school year with vigor and determination. We had a new stash of supplies, including the perfect pencils and pens, a crisp new backpack, and all the other wares our children could ever need or want.
-
Josh Drespling: Lawn mowing cuts deep into my wallet
I finally did it. I succumbed to the desire and plopped my cold, hard cash down on the counter. I was thrifty and cautious in my shopping. I have spent the last few summers kicking tires and comparing prices. I checked every local retailer, online site, and even kept a keen eye on Craig's List.
-
Josh Drespling: My daughter’s invitation was irresistible — and so was her performance
What agony is this?What evil villain has prepared this dastardly event and entrapped me in its bitter grasp? The scene: An elementary school gym on perhaps one of the hottest and most humid days of the year.
-
Josh Drespling: Sick and tired of being sick and tired
I'm sick of being sick! It has been over a week now fighting this ungodly pestilence that has settled in my body. Despite my best efforts, this plague has taken a firm hold of every avenue of my being. It has become the most constant and present force in my life.
-
Josh Drespling: Thank you, Mom. I’ve never said this before but ...
I'm a terrible son. I’ll can freely admit my shortcomings. Well, maybe not as awful as some. I've never been in prison or killed anyone (though I may have thought about it). I’ve never been a drug addict or a drunk. I remember most of the holidays, birthdays and celebrations and I'm capable of supporting myself and my family.
-
Josh Drespling: Leaving a paper trail blows my ‘cool’
As you probably already know, I am the coolest guy in the room no matter the company or the occasion. I am dapper, handsome, and, of course, the hippest. I am the most “in” guy and, by default, the most trendy person this side of the muddy Mississippi. My non-mainstream fashion sense and musical independence exemplify my elite status.
-
Josh Drespling: Please bear with me as I remember my brother’s special friend
As you may have picked up on in my past blogs, I grew up in a home that had only little money to spare. We made the best of all things and found our way by being resourceful and frugal.
-
Josh Drespling: Appointment! What appointment?
Dear Mr. Optometrist: Thank you for the polite reminder about my upcoming appointment. The postcard you sent in the mail was quite helpful.
-
Josh Drespling: Spring is (finally) in the air — enjoy!
We have missed you, my friend. We have all longed for your warmth, vibrance, and energy. The cold gray of winter has had us locked in its icy grasp for far too long. We greet your arrival with great anticipation and long for the newness you will bring.
- More Josh Drespling Headlines
-
